Rancid Monke

Why are there no fat doctors? Why do all medical professionals to do with weight loss and diet always so damn healthy? See, I truly don’t think you can understand what it is to be fat until you’ve been there. I want to talk to the doctor that understands the simple joys of pounding back a double bacon cheese burger with large fries and washing it down with coloured sugar water. Even if he was just a reformed chubster, someone who knows that it takes all my willpower not to buy a chocolate bar every single freakin’ time I enter a convenience store. At least then I could talk to him on common ground.

Don’t get me wrong I love my doctor, great guy, but every time I see him he feels a need to tell me I need to lose weight. Like somehow the fat creeped up on me in the middle of the night and I hadn’t noticed yet. I’m not bitter at him for it, just confused. Does he think the fat is blocking my higher brain functions and only his timely input can help me realize I am overweight. For a man with a PHD (I assume he has one?) he sure isn’t always firing on all cylinders.

Then he asks about my diet. Just in case I am a miracle person who got fat off a vegan diet, like it is my crippling addiction to tofu that is causing my weight problems. Well doc, I eat meat, meat and more meat (mostly battered and deep fried) and then if I haven’t achieved some sort of rampaging unstoppable bowel movement by the end of the meal I might try for a hint of carbs or perhaps a limp piece of lettuce I found cowering in the back of the fridge. At this point most people get all coy and try to dress up the poor choices they make in terms of food. I just look him in the eye and say “You know what a McGangbang is? 2 of those per lunch…with fries and chicken nuggets as a chaser.”

Anyway, the visit to the doctor was in aid of going to the gym to reverse the 30 odd years of Zellers hamburgers and onion rings (god, there burgers were sub-par but those ladies sure did know how to deep fry an onion ring). Undoubtedly the lack of fried food and excess of sweat will push me to write another angry pointless rant. So stay tuned if that is your thing. If not, then bite me.

Rancid Monke