Archive for July, 2011

A few years ago I finally decided my bill to the cable company was taking far to much of my work life to pay off every month. I cut the telephone land line, that was an easy call since I already had a cell bill bending me over the table and using me impolitely but the big question was cut the internet or the cable TV. One of these services provided me with top quality porn, bottom quality porn…in fact a wide range of porn quality options, as well as video gaming abilities, email access, the list goes on. The other service provides me with re-runs of CSI 4 times a day. Both my head and my nether regions agreed that high speed internet had reached a point just below clean water and shelter in my list of “things I sort of like to have” and the Las Vegas Forensic team would just have to solve crimes without me watching like a Cheeto-covered pervert. Still, even when you are devoid of TV itself, you hear all about it. The internet is full of news stories and forums and hateful rants about shows. You go into anyone’s home and need to kill 10 minutes then you will probably flick on the TV and start scanning channels. I mean, unless you plan on spending the time sniffing their underwear drawer, who am I to judge? Point being, I have been absorbing a lot of second hand television and I am starting to get a little concerned. I just think TV may have stopped taking it’s meds at some point.

Talent Shows- There are honest to god talent shows on TV now. The last time I saw a talent show was in grade school. In amongst the people who actually practiced a musical instrument was a couple kids who applied googly eyes to their chins and lay upside down trying to pull off a vaudeville act while the blood rushed to their heads. There was also some interpretive dance that could only be interpreted as “I have a spastic colon, please don’t laugh”. The thought never occurred to me that someone would go through the process of holding auditions of people playing the spoons or burping classic show tunes in order to make a show. Oh look, a panel of judges. The cross-looking humorless dick at the end must be Simon Cowell, heard so much about him. Haha, he ripped into that persons hopes and dreams for my amusement, what fun!

The Bachelorette – The last time I saw ten guys vying for the attention of one girl it was in a porno. It didn’t really end well for that young woman, I imagine she got some awkward looks when she had to bring in her dry cleaning. Honestly, this feels more like a Westminster Kennel Club Show, I keep waiting for her to check each of their teeth and cup their genitals to test firmness. Oddly enough, she usually will at some point. I keep trying to decide who is being more degraded here. The men putting on a dog and pony show so they don’t get cast aside into loveless TV oblivion, or the woman who needs a multi-million dollar television production to find a mate. Seriously lady, you’ve never heard of putting on a slinky dress and heading out to a club? It works for MILLIONS of women a year.

I Have Massive Amounts Of Children, Please Film Me – WHY?!! Seriously, I have 2 nephews and 2 nieces and none of them has pulled off anything that would be worthy of a nationwide audience. Not even the really cute 1 year old, not even on her best day. Watching people pop out kids like a clown car at a circus then try to go about their daily lives is not the basis for a show, I don’t know how anyone thought it was. If anything it is the basis for a planned parenthood pamphlet or a condom ad.

MTV Cribs – I don’t need MTV to remind me how much nicer rich people’s stuff is than mine. I have an uncle who will do that for me.

Music Video Channels – “Alright, so here is the plan. You fanning out money in front of the camera, shot of women’s asses. You throwing money in front of the camera, shot of women’s asses. You spanking a woman’s ass, shot of…well you get the picture. Now I know this is going to be a bit of a departure from your other videos, Elton, but it is trending positively with the vital 18 -35 douchebag demographic…Sure you can keep the tiara on.”

Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? – So if you loose then you may as well hand your GED back in and apologize to all your teachers personally and if you win all you managed to prove is you made it out of grade school with a basic understanding of the subjects taught.

Combat Hospital – I keep seeing ads for this popping up. It appears to be a show about life in a combat hospital…just a guess though. I wonder if anyone has shown the producers a re-run of M*A*S*H. Anyway, it basically looks like some exec somewhere said “Boy, that ER show sure was popular…Why don’t we do something like that but jazz it up a bit and make it more relevant to today by adding terrorism and patriotic flag-waving bullshit”. You know what else is popular TV execs? Boobs, Bacon, Chuck Norris, Ninjas, Pirates, Zombies and Boobs.  I smell a “Walker, Texas Ranger” remake brewing.

Ice Truckers, Deadliest Catch -You know, there is a lot of danger inherent to my job as well. Those cardboard paper cuts are the very dickens I tell ya. Plus there is risk of infection. Once I stubbed my toe. WHERE IS MY CAMERA CREW, DAMN IT! I don’t care if you are a lion-taming fire fighter, I watch TV to escape my job, not watch you do yours.

Dog the Bounty Hunter – How the hell does this man manage to sneak up on anyone dressed like the drummer from an 80’s big hair metal band? The guy operates out of Hawaii and Colorado, yet he dresses in black leather. Wouldn’t the smell of rank sweaty ass be a bit of a tip-off for fugitives to head to the back door?

Intervention – “Honey, all of us are here to talk to you about your meth using, and we brought a camera crew along to make you extra defensive.” Good plan folks.

Operation Repo, Parking Wars, Billy the Exterminator – What the hell? What is this? Why are we filming people doing shitty jobs? When did that become a trend? I have done shitty jobs all my life and no one has considered it noteworthy enough to send a camera crew. Add in the things like “The Osbournes” and “Gene Simmons Family Jewels” and it paints the picture that all the average person wants to watch is celebrities being twits and blue collar workers shuffling through their dreary days. I mean how is this entertaining? At least when they pandered to the masses in ancient Roman, somebody’s carcass had to be dragged off to the lion pit when they were done. I am actually quite surprised no one has thought of televising deadly gladiatorial combat to keep the masses occupied and happy…


Jersey Shore – Fuck off.

Rancid Monke

Let’s face it, After 12 years or more of having your little sponge mind filled with facts, figures, dates, formulas and god awful poetry you will step out of the warm embrace of academia and run face first  into the brick wall of real life. You will realize that among all the things school was cramming into you your brain-hole they were also doing a smashing job of creating unreal expectations about how the world works. At the same time they were also neglecting to teach you basic life skills that every person should know but few of them actually do. Well, I am nothing if not the bearer of bad news and harsh realities.

Let’s start with the beautiful lies school taught you.

Vacation – Are you kidding me? You set up a lot of unreal expectations about life when you hand a kid 2 months of freedom every single friggin’ year.   No one is going to let you wander away from your job for 2 months out of 10, that shit just doesn’t happen. Even teachers will tell you the myth of them getting a solid 2 months off is utter crap, there are tests to grade or lessons to plan or supplies to buy. I have also never received more than a few days off at Christmas time in the real world.  Spring break is utter horseshit that only seems to exist in the academia. “You young people have worked hard enough for now, those exams can be very taxing. How about you head on down to Cancun and spread some of your STD’s around. ” No one in the real world will give a rats ass about over stressing you until the day you snap and make an attractive Jackson Pollock out of their lower intestines in the staff room.

Recess- School starts off by teaching you that you only have to show up for half a day, and most of that time is about learning to tie your shoes, having stories read to you and napping. Honest to god, they thought my 4 hours of playing at the rice station might take it out of me, so they dropped mats on the floor and got us all to lie down quietly for 15 minutes. When I woke up they fed me celery sticks, which is the nutritional equivalent of flipping me the bird. Water and dental floss in a green little stick, YAY! Then you hit a grade with an actually number associated with it. Naps are gone but you still have two breaks a day to go play in the sunshine. You move up to the next stage and the breaks get reduced to “whatever amount of time it takes you little shits to get to your locker and back” which turns out to be about 10 minutes. Even then, at least you are working on different subjects every few hours. No one is expecting you to do eight straight hours of calculating the area of a circle despite the fact that your math skills topped out at the basics needed to figure out how to tip on a restaurant bill (and you still tip high in hopes the waitress will be so impressed she will throw herself at you) . No matter how many mundane classes you have to take, there is probably one that peaks your interest if only because the teacher has a interesting stories or an amusing speech impediment.

Welcome to the real world. You may very well be tasked to do the same repetitive, mundane, mind-numbing labour for eight hours a day for the next 40 odd years. Whether it is building the same fences, writing the same pointless reports or grinding out the same lines of code. If you are lucky you get two 15 minute breaks in your day to go sit in the staff room and stare a hole in the wall. You could try chatting up your co-workers but odds are the struggle to communicate with them during the rest of the day is enough to make you pour vodka in your water bottle every morning. Some guy in the corner will be yammering out a story about how things would be different if he ran the place, you sit there half listening/half wondering if it would be possible to decapitate him with the plastic knife someone left on the table after the last staff birthday cake.

You are a beautiful, unique snowflake – Yes, it is true there is no one out in the world quite like you. However your deep seated perversion towards wearing a diaper during sexual encounters is not really something the rest of the world is going to celebrate. Neither is your ability to play the spoons half assed well or your photographic recall of all the lines spoken in original Star Trek episodes. Unless you excel in a useful or sellable way you will end up holding down a mediocre job like the rest of us. Likely your own hope is to trot out your amazing ability to impress some girl at a party, and odds are she is still going home with the guy who has a motorcycle.I mean, he has a motorcycle for god sake, all you can do is burp the national anthem after a few beer. (switch genders in above example to your preference as needed).

You can grow up to be anything you want – Sesame Street and other kiddie programming used to tell me this shit all the time. The topper used to be “You can even be President of the United States some day”. Turn out that as a Canadian citizen I fucking well can’t. Get your facts straight Big Bird. Even in school (where they at least had a basic understanding of what country I came from), they liked to tell me that hard work and determination would get me far in life. I suppose the existence of Justin Beiber and Kim Kardashian came as a bit of a blow to guidance counselors everywhere. Of course, a career in guidance counseling probably came as a bit of a blow. Some git puppet with a hand up it’s arse probably convinced them they could run a foreign country.

Rancid Monke

I had been thinking about going on an internet dating site for a while, but all the ones I knew about cost a monthly fee. When I heard about Plenty of Fish about a year back (and the fact that it was free to use) I finally decided to bite the damn bullet and join. Expectations were high, common sense was lacking and pandemonium ensued. Here is all the stuff I wish someone had told me before I started. Maybe they can save you some time and anxiety.

1) Get some good pictures first – This is where pretty much every single person stumbles out of the gate. You write the perfect profile, you add in all the details on age and height and profession, you are all ready to post and start raking in the attentions of lonely single women (or men) in your town. Then it asks for a recent photo. Unless your an actor or model or incredibly vain then odds are your not sitting on a stack of professional headshots. After combing through any Facebook photos or vacation shots or grad photos from ten years back you finally decide to take matters into your own hands. You grab a camera and head to the bathroom mirror to cook up the ultimate in enticing fish pucker faces.

First, If you are going to do this please remember to flush first…goddamn that is gross. I shouldn’t have to remind you of that. I don’t care how awesome the shot was or how you finally found a position that showed off your butt and your winning smile at the same time you should not be posting that.

Second, if you use the flash on your camera it is going to pretty much obliterate your face in the mirror. Turn it off or find some creative way to shoot the picture that doesn’t leave a giant white splotch where your face used to be. Also, while you are flushing and cleaning the toilet maybe clean the mirror too. No one wants to see the crust of toothpaste splatter you left on there.

Third, you will forever be the kind of person who takes a picture of yourself in a bathroom mirror…live with that shame or make a better plan for getting good photos.

2) Your profile needs to be unique – My profile was probably the hardest thing I have ever had to write. They really should have some sort of learning annex class on how to make a useful and attention getting profile. The only advice I gleaned was

Keep it positive – No one wants to date your sorry, depressed and bitter ass. Fake it if you have to but try to stay positive and upbeat. No one on the site is going to be interested in your story about how your ex screwed you over and made you into the twisted shell of a person you are today.

Keep it short – No one but you really cares about the tedium of your job unless you tame lions for a living. Nor does anyone need to know a complete list of bands you like. Open with a joke, talk about your life, mention some future plans, list your hobbies. The profile is a means to an end and the end is the awkward coffee date.

Make some damn sense – “I like the outdoors.” I swear to god I saw this on EVERY profile. There is only the 2 options and I can’t imagine anyone getting excited by your love of the indoors.

Skip the full disclosure – “Just so you are aware, I have a 2 inch penis and a personal odor problem…wait, where are you going?!!”

3) No matter what you do, you will be called a jerk – Inevitable you will get contacted by people you are not interested in. At first I tried to ignore them. I was called a jerk. Then I tried to lie so I didn’t hurt their feelings. I was called a jerk. Lastly I tried to be honest about my thinking it just wouldn’t work. Yep, still a jerk. My advice here is do whatever you feel comfortable with and meets your moral needs, cause your just going to be called a jerk anyway.

4) The things people can be shallow about are MIND-BLOWING – “I need a guy who is over 6 feet because I like to wear high heels” Well I like to wear crotchless panties and a french maid outfit but that doesn’t require a special mention in my ad, that is third date info. At 5’10” I was apparently incompatible with this persons need to wear stilettos to all occasions. I will of course go away shamed by my choice to not grow an extra inch to better match your evening wear.

5) Niche sites aren’t worth it – At the same time that I joined Plenty of Fish I also joined every other site I found advertising itself on Plenty of Fish (which is a pretty weird advertising style but I digress). The most obviously intriguing was a site called Geek2Geek. I’m a geek, I like being a geek, perhaps meeting a fellow geek would bring meaning to my life on a whole new level. First off let me say that a crippling addiction to World of Warcraft is not sexy on either side of the gender line. Second, it had the same problem all niche sites had – lack of users. It wanted me to pay 5 bucks a month to peruse the same 30 profiles from my area. Plus it seemed to think of my entire province as an acceptable pool to draw from, possible as a way to look like it was worth the money they wanted me to spend on a full access membership. Nothing is as disappointing as finding a great profile only to realize they are 2 cities over and a 4 hour drive away. That is a long way to go for an awkward coffee date.

6) This isn’t something you should be paying for – I also checked out e-harmony. I had seen all the ads and heard all the stories and I was ready to get down to the business of finding a serious relationship so it just made sense. So I went through the 20 page multiple choice exam that passes for a questionnaire so they could start matching me on the 2000 levels of compatibility that only questions like “If you decided to stay at home for the evening would you tend to do:” could generate (None of the listed options for that one were “masturbate like a bonobo chimp” so the results were already tainted).

Well, the thing e-harmony doesn’t tell you is they won’t show you the images of the profiles they send your way unless you pay for it. Well played e-harmony, I will go get my wallet. $15 later and I was a full fledged member capable of viewing the bathroom mirror pucker faced pics. Hey wow…these are the same women who rejected me on plenty of fish…well then…Crap!

Don’t waste your money folks, when I tried to quit e-harmony it explained that I should give it time. Apparently it takes the average e-harmony user up to a year to find their soulmate. That didn’t seem any statistically better than random encounters at a grocery store…where the hell was all this compatibility bullcrap? Why did I have to tell you my deepest darkest secrets in multiple choice form?

7) There will be Nazi’s – That isn’t a euphemism or witty catchphrase. I was once messaged by an attractive young woman from the next province over. We chatted over the course of several days and I ended up giving here the info to find me on Facebook. She friended me and made a few witty remarks on my current status. I decided to check out here photos because I was both nosy and generally horny and all evidence so far was that she was smokin’ hot. There was several of her in a bikini mixed in with the regular nonsense that ends up on a Facebook profile. So her I am thinking “JACKPOT” until I notice one photo out of place. It was a picture of a women in a bikini’s back, someone had thoughtfully applied sunscreen to the back in a distinctly swastika-like arrangement. WHA?!

A quick perusal of her remaining photos brought up various other logos of a racially intolerant nature. I never did find a picture of her in a white sheet and hood but I figured I had all I needed. We aren’t talking some crap she found on a Google search, she had posted official logos from some serious white supremacy groups. I wasn’t actually aware that such groups had a need for graphic design on this level, the thing looked like some sort of family crest with hatefulness at the center. Meanwhile, back on my profile she was having a lighthearted back and forth on my status with my Malaysian art teacher. Before it all went any further down the crapper I de-friended her and sent a polite but firm note suggesting she go sell her brand of crazy elsewhere. I believe she called me a jerk.

Rancid Monke

1) School supply lists are a suckers game – Every year from grade 1 to grade 12 my parents spent hard earned money to buy me a box of page reinforcements for school. Every year I found the flattened box of them at the bottom of a locker when I cleaned up on the last day of school. Every year I used up the whole damn thing sticking it to my face or the faces of other people.

The only reason to buy pencil crayons after elementary school was to colour in the borders of one map as an assignment for Social Studies class. Any Social teacher worth a damn had a box of pencil crayon stubs at hand just for this waste of an assignment anyway.

Everyone needs a miniature ruler to carry around all year for that one week of measurements in elementary math class. If your child doesn’t have access to a protractor at all times they will never make it in the real world. I always had binder dividers but since I never used page reinforcements they fell out halfway through the year. Somehow I managed to graduate, but I imagine it was a close thing.

Speaking of graduation.

2) Your entire life up to grade 12 can be summed up in 2 pieces of paper, your diploma and your grade transcripts from your last year. Unless you were the top of the class, all the rest of the time, energy, effort and anxiety you had every day before that is as meaningful to your future academics or career as the bowel movement you had this morning. No one cares about the experiences you had, only the marks you came out of it with. A little humbling to think 12 years of your life could be replaced by a 30 second montage in the movie that is your life. On the plus side, I am sure some perky 80’s theme would be playing.

3) Watching TV will not get you anywhere in life – I wasted hours a day on TV that I could have spent studying, reading, drawing, masturbating, or learning the accordion. Any one of those would have had a more significant impact on my current life than such brilliant shows as Perfect Strangers, Family Matters, Full House, ALF and the whole TGIF line up. Why, for the love of all that is holy, did I ever need to see the daily tribulations of Danny Tanner and his idiot children? I am depressed by my apparent lack of good taste more than anything else. I want someone to give me those hours back damn it, the only thing standing between me and a mountain of horny single women is my lack of accordion skills.

4) Most of your mortal enemies aren’t sitting at home worrying about you – The boss that fired you, the boss that drove you to quit, the women who rejected you, the people who stabbed you in the back. You probably didn’t make enough of an impact on them for it to even register that you hate them. It is sort of like writing angry letters to the editor. Be as pissed as you want, no one ever reads that page anyway.

5) Politics is another suckers game – It takes massive amounts of time and energy to become well versed in the political landscape in my country, province or city. It is way easier to go with my gut instincts or my general party alignment or even just vote for the incumbent. In the end it is surprising how little it effects my life who is actually running the show. My taxes are still high, the services I get for them are still lacking, my government still takes the opportunity to screw me over when it can. I can’t help but feel knowing all the ins and outs, knowledge of all the major players and their stance on the issues would only lead to frustration over how little everyone else really cared.

6) The toys you get from a fast food place are as cheap and disposable as the food – When I was a kid we never got McDonalds. My Dad had spent too many years eating this junk as my grandmother had this weird need to buy it in bulk whenever there was a sale. She would would tootle on over and buy a couple bags worth then freeze them. I cannot for the life of me imagine how gross reheated McDonalds was, but thinking about it now makes me pretty queasy.

Long story short, McDonalds always had the best toy lines to tie in with whatever the summer blockbuster was and I was always pissed about missing out. I was too young to know any better. Now I watch my nephews get excited by the same crap for the same reasons. Sorry kids, but in the scheme of life, your bobblehead Green Lantern is not worth my eating mechanically separated proto meat. You’ll only break it in a week anyway.

Rancid Monke