Rancid Monke

A few years ago I finally decided my bill to the cable company was taking far to much of my work life to pay off every month. I cut the telephone land line, that was an easy call since I already had a cell bill bending me over the table and using me impolitely but the big question was cut the internet or the cable TV. One of these services provided me with top quality porn, bottom quality porn…in fact a wide range of porn quality options, as well as video gaming abilities, email access, the list goes on. The other service provides me with re-runs of CSI 4 times a day. Both my head and my nether regions agreed that high speed internet had reached a point just below clean water and shelter in my list of “things I sort of like to have” and the Las Vegas Forensic team would just have to solve crimes without me watching like a Cheeto-covered pervert. Still, even when you are devoid of TV itself, you hear all about it. The internet is full of news stories and forums and hateful rants about shows. You go into anyone’s home and need to kill 10 minutes then you will probably flick on the TV and start scanning channels. I mean, unless you plan on spending the time sniffing their underwear drawer, who am I to judge? Point being, I have been absorbing a lot of second hand television and I am starting to get a little concerned. I just think TV may have stopped taking it’s meds at some point.

Talent Shows- There are honest to god talent shows on TV now. The last time I saw a talent show was in grade school. In amongst the people who actually practiced a musical instrument was a couple kids who applied googly eyes to their chins and lay upside down trying to pull off a vaudeville act while the blood rushed to their heads. There was also some interpretive dance that could only be interpreted as “I have a spastic colon, please don’t laugh”. The thought never occurred to me that someone would go through the process of holding auditions of people playing the spoons or burping classic show tunes in order to make a show. Oh look, a panel of judges. The cross-looking humorless dick at the end must be Simon Cowell, heard so much about him. Haha, he ripped into that persons hopes and dreams for my amusement, what fun!

The Bachelorette – The last time I saw ten guys vying for the attention of one girl it was in a porno. It didn’t really end well for that young woman, I imagine she got some awkward looks when she had to bring in her dry cleaning. Honestly, this feels more like a Westminster Kennel Club Show, I keep waiting for her to check each of their teeth and cup their genitals to test firmness. Oddly enough, she usually will at some point. I keep trying to decide who is being more degraded here. The men putting on a dog and pony show so they don’t get cast aside into loveless TV oblivion, or the woman who needs a multi-million dollar television production to find a mate. Seriously lady, you’ve never heard of putting on a slinky dress and heading out to a club? It works for MILLIONS of women a year.

I Have Massive Amounts Of Children, Please Film Me – WHY?!! Seriously, I have 2 nephews and 2 nieces and none of them has pulled off anything that would be worthy of a nationwide audience. Not even the really cute 1 year old, not even on her best day. Watching people pop out kids like a clown car at a circus then try to go about their daily lives is not the basis for a show, I don’t know how anyone thought it was. If anything it is the basis for a planned parenthood pamphlet or a condom ad.

MTV Cribs – I don’t need MTV to remind me how much nicer rich people’s stuff is than mine. I have an uncle who will do that for me.

Music Video Channels – “Alright, so here is the plan. You fanning out money in front of the camera, shot of women’s asses. You throwing money in front of the camera, shot of women’s asses. You spanking a woman’s ass, shot of…well you get the picture. Now I know this is going to be a bit of a departure from your other videos, Elton, but it is trending positively with the vital 18 -35 douchebag demographic…Sure you can keep the tiara on.”

Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? – So if you loose then you may as well hand your GED back in and apologize to all your teachers personally and if you win all you managed to prove is you made it out of grade school with a basic understanding of the subjects taught.

Combat Hospital – I keep seeing ads for this popping up. It appears to be a show about life in a combat hospital…just a guess though. I wonder if anyone has shown the producers a re-run of M*A*S*H. Anyway, it basically looks like some exec somewhere said “Boy, that ER show sure was popular…Why don’t we do something like that but jazz it up a bit and make it more relevant to today by adding terrorism and patriotic flag-waving bullshit”. You know what else is popular TV execs? Boobs, Bacon, Chuck Norris, Ninjas, Pirates, Zombies and Boobs.  I smell a “Walker, Texas Ranger” remake brewing.

Ice Truckers, Deadliest Catch -You know, there is a lot of danger inherent to my job as well. Those cardboard paper cuts are the very dickens I tell ya. Plus there is risk of infection. Once I stubbed my toe. WHERE IS MY CAMERA CREW, DAMN IT! I don’t care if you are a lion-taming fire fighter, I watch TV to escape my job, not watch you do yours.

Dog the Bounty Hunter – How the hell does this man manage to sneak up on anyone dressed like the drummer from an 80’s big hair metal band? The guy operates out of Hawaii and Colorado, yet he dresses in black leather. Wouldn’t the smell of rank sweaty ass be a bit of a tip-off for fugitives to head to the back door?

Intervention – “Honey, all of us are here to talk to you about your meth using, and we brought a camera crew along to make you extra defensive.” Good plan folks.

Operation Repo, Parking Wars, Billy the Exterminator – What the hell? What is this? Why are we filming people doing shitty jobs? When did that become a trend? I have done shitty jobs all my life and no one has considered it noteworthy enough to send a camera crew. Add in the things like “The Osbournes” and “Gene Simmons Family Jewels” and it paints the picture that all the average person wants to watch is celebrities being twits and blue collar workers shuffling through their dreary days. I mean how is this entertaining? At least when they pandered to the masses in ancient Roman, somebody’s carcass had to be dragged off to the lion pit when they were done. I am actually quite surprised no one has thought of televising deadly gladiatorial combat to keep the masses occupied and happy…

Deadliest Warrior – I HATE YOU TV, I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW! HOW CAN THIS GET ANY WORSE?!!

Jersey Shore – Fuck off.

Rancid Monke