The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2015 annual report for this blog.
Here’s an excerpt:
A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 3,100 times in 2015. If it were a cable car, it would take about 52 trips to carry that many people.
This is the update I never really wanted to write. I always hoped one day to have a happy family reunion picture to share with you all, a few quick words about courage and perseverance and then put this chapter behind me. Despite all the courage and perseverance Seema Kalia has displayed, we still seem stuck at the same place. I spoke with Seema recently to try and find out why despite all her efforts, she remains blocked at every turn.
I wrote about this case two years ago, already a year into this atrocious miscarriage of justice for Seema and her children. Three years in total since she last saw her children. As awful as that already sounds, it is still a little abstract. Think of it as six birthdays missed, three Mother’s days gone past, and countless other milestones parents get to experience without being able to contact her children. As someone who lost his mother to cancer when I was young, I feel great sadness for this lost time.
Apparently I was being hilariously naive though, thinking that the people not directly involved in the abduction would be as disgusted as I was with the immorality of these acts and want to see her children returned as soon as humanly or legally possible. Why I was so full of optimism despite being a natural pessimist is beyond me. So why have we come so far without this massive wrong being righted? Because we have people still playing politics with an issue of justice and human decency.
Not that she hasn’t had good people on her side. By all accounts she has had talented and honourable public officials and government employees fighting for the rights of her and her children. There were many legal aid lawyers who tried to help before being intimidated by the targets, and many sympathetic friends doing whatever they can for her. What she needs now is for the United States Federal Government to step in (or more likely step aside) and let the DOJ bring these cases out, allow them to drop this stifling secrecy so Seema can be reunited with her kids (and I can publish a much nicer update with happy reunion photos). Seema has worked hard and suffered much, it is time the government took up this heavy burden that should always have been theirs to bare and make things right.
It isn’t like it is news to the Department Of Justice that this has happened. They have already laid the corruption of the New York Justice System at the feet of former Speaker of the New York State Assembly, Sheldon Silver. Having federal corruption charges filed against him in January of 2015 and subsequently resigning his position as Speaker, Silver still awaits trial. With the indictment of former NY Senate Majority leader Dean Skelos’ (and his son Adam), it is clear to most that the big fish, Gov Andrew Cuomo is the last felon standing.
According to Seema, Cuomo instructed Manhattan D.A., Cy Vance Jr. to arrange the retaliatory abduction of Seema’s kids through a new and dodgy judge named Gesmer. In addition to any number of Wall St. bankers and the law firm Wachtell Lipton, it is unknown how many arrests need to be made before the DoJ agrees to return Seema’s children to her after her three years of torment after having served as a Federal whistleblower.
Now more than ever is the time for any and all of us to help Seema cross this final hurdle. Seema’s son, Dravin turns 9 on August 24th. He and his sister, Lola were taken two days before his sixth birthday. Seema has not been able to see either of them grow into the incredible people they will no doubt become for the past three long years. We need to see her be at Dravin’s 9th birthday party.
If you have contacts in the U.S. Senate, Congress or The White House or the media, please forward this post to them and ask them to contact the DoJ and demand answers about this unspeakably abusive legal decision making. The DoJ may be tethered by White House staff looking to make an opportune media splash, so if you have a phone number for someone on the White House staff, now would be a great time to call them and help be part of making the world a better place.
Rancid Monke
My previous post for those of you that just joined this scandal, already in progress: https://rancidmonke.com/2013/08/27/wachtell-lipto…in-nyu-scandal/
The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.
Here’s an excerpt:
A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 2,100 times in 2014. If it were a cable car, it would take about 35 trips to carry that many people.
Rancid Monke’s Not-So-Live Blog of Shitty Movies – Tonight’s Episode, GREEN LANTERN
(This is me mercilessly mocking a bad movie as I watch it. If you have ever seen MST3K or a Rifftracks then you get the idea. The only obvious difference is this is in print form instead of over audio because I am too cheap to buy a microphone. Obviously a recent viewing of the movie will help, let me know if you think timecodes would improve this or you have a better idea.)
Time code is 41:10.
Time code: 1 Hr and 10 minutes.
Rancid Monke
Internet, we need to talk. The click-bait, the videos that could be replaced with two lines of text, the perpetual smug judgement from freelance web writers, the rampant hyperbole that makes everything amazing/shocking/terrifying!!!! Seriously…just stop it.
“This article/video will shock you!” – I have been roaming around the internet for 14 years now, I have seen the 2 girls with the 1 cup and much, much worse. Your video will not raise my pulse in the slightest.
“You will never guess what happens next!” – I have a functioning frontal lobe so I am pretty sure I can guess what happens next, and I bet good money it will either be sappy or stupid.
“Things only 90’s kids will understand!” – Ring pops and Nickelodeon TV aren’t really hard concepts to grasp. Maybe it isn’t that we don’t understand, maybe we just don’t care.
“9 things you shouldn’t do past 30!” – No one needs a website to tell them what to do past 30. If you made it to 30 without dying, becoming a member of a cult, popping out more kids than you could even remotely support or ending up in jail than odds are you have reached a point where you don’t need a website to decide if you are “too old to go clubbing” or “shouldn’t be getting a tattoo at your age because that is super gross”. If you are 30 and you are in a cult, jail, or a trailer full of your offspring then whatever advice they had has come too late.
“Things you are doing WRONG!” – An article tried to tell me I was eating sushi wrong once. I am pretty sure if it ends up in my face hole and gets chewed enough to swallow without cutting off my airflow than I have achieved the act of eating. I have been eating for 34 friggin’ years, I am pretty sure I got the gold star and “meets expectations” on this one a while ago.
“This will restore your faith in humanity!” – Ten minutes delving into YouTube comment sections will take it away again, so wasted effort.
“Here is a list of astonishing things, #6 will astound/amaze/shock/terrify you!” – Then why is it #6? Do you not know how a list works? If it is that astounding/amazing/shocking/terrifying then it should be at #1 and then #1 obviously needs to move down a little. Otherwise, what the hell was the point of bothering with numbers?
“Famous person does something AMAZING! [VIDEO]” – I made the bold assumption that it was a video of the famous person doing the amazing thing, instead it was a variety of clips of the famous person walking around at a red carpet event and having his picture taken while pressing the flesh. Meanwhile, someone narrated 2 paragraphs of this amazing thing he did without citing any reliable sources or providing anything approaching evidence. WHY DID THIS NEED TO BE A VIDEO?!!!!
“This video will change your life!” – All this video will do is eat into my precious data plan on my cell phone.
“15 amazing life hacks!” – 2 actually useful life hacks. 6 solutions to problems that no sane person actually has. 4 things that you could do but will make your home look 100% more tacky than it already does. 3 fixes that we already have perfectly useful consumer products for.
“Where are they now?!” – Probably the same place they were when a different site checked on them for this same article 2 weeks ago.
“Child stars gone bad!” – Lindsey Lohan is #1. Lindsey Lohan is always #1. Unless we are using this new-fangled math that you all invented, in which case she is #6 but she will astound/amaze/shock/terrify you.
“You won’t believe it isn’t photoshopped!” – Unless you are a proven reliable source or are providing some means of authentication then you are right, I won’t believe it. Just telling me I won’t believe it isn’t enough to make me doubt myself.
“Controversial “Skinny Pill” is taking the country by storm!” – Within a year of Viagra hitting the market most of North America knew to subtly inquire about boner pills from their doctor BY NAME. Every comedy act was legally required to have at least one reference to it, Bob Dole was trying to score a free lifetime supply by flogging it. If there really was a skinny pill then every morning news team in the country would be covering it and every home in North America would have a bottle by now. Instead they are trying to sell this through banner ads on sites about child stars going bad and amazing life hacks that someone stole off reddit. Speaking of boners…
“New all-natural pill will enlarge your penis!” – Now, If there was really a penis enlargement pill, I would have bought stock in that company by now. Having bought stock in the company I would be so rich that the size of my penis wouldn’t matter in the slightest. None of that has happened so we can assume your bottle of processed herbs would make a better salad than a penis enlarger.
Also, does it seem likely that I am particularly concerned about how “all-natural” your product is when I want to increase the size of my penis 10-fold? I am pretty sure I wouldn’t care how much mystery science and synthetic chemicals were involved if it actually worked.
Social Media, we need to talk
“95 percent of you won’t like/share this!” – True…that isn’t actually an incentive to like/share it though. 95 percent of people* don’t tie their genitals to the back of a moving vehicle either, doesn’t mean I should try it just to be different.
* Not an actual accurate percentage of non-genital tying population. Used for illustrative purposes only.
“Only my true friends…” – Stop. Stop right there. I don’t want to be friends with someone trying to guilt trip me over posting a status.
“Click like to show respect for our soldiers!” – Great news, we can shut down the veterans hospitals and stop all the widows and orphans payouts, they are all going to live on Facebook likes from now on.
“1 Like = 1 Respect!” – No, no it really doesn’t mean anything like that. No one stops by and hands over all this “Respect” they have harvested on Facebook to all the deserving teachers/soldiers/doctors/police/firemen/sex workers in the photos. If you respect these people you might want to try talking to them about it.
Rancid Monke
As much good as Netflix pumps out into the world by being a cheap source of quality movies and TV, it is also the purveyor of just as much graveyard time-slot crap, at least here in Canada. Sometimes they just need to pad some numbers or someone offers them cheap rights to something in hopes it will gain cult status, maybe a movie looks good in a synopsis and the stink of its failure is hidden behind high expectations and bankable actors. Hell, it could all be down to individual taste, maybe someone on staff thought it was solid gold. Who knows how it all functions, I don’t work there. What I do know is every once in a while I run into something so bad, it needs to be mocked. Actually, it probably doesn’t NEED to be mocked but I miss our time together, gentle reader. We used to get out more, laugh at silly things and make dick jokes. Me in my boxers and you, faceless behind your wall of internet anonymity.
Anyway, back on point. I was looking for a movie tonight starring Michael Fassbender of young Magneto fame. It was a period piece about Roman soldiers that I had watched and enjoyed before. Sadly, Netflix Canada has stopped offering it for streaming but it did offer up various other titles he had starred in for my viewing pleasure. One called Shame caught my eye, the minimalist Netflix synopsis said it was about a guy with a sex addiction struggling to control himself after his sister moves back in with him. It wasn’t much to go on but I figured there was potential. Other than probably not being safe for work, what did that really tell me though? Would it have interesting things to say about porn and sex addiction? Did they mine the whole thing for cheap laughs before some emotional pay off in the third act?
Nope, not really either of those. At best I would describe it as an hour and a half of Fassbender’s character jerking off and/or having grunty sex with prostitutes strung together by fairly random scenes of him going about a mundane life and arguing with his sister. Obviously I don’t want to spoil this movie for you should you choose to watch it, I hope you enjoy Mr. Fassbender’s cock and unkempt thatch of pubes because I certainly wouldn’t recommend it for any other reason. In the first ten minutes I saw his dick twice and quite literally watched him take a piss. He has also hired a prostitute and then the next 5 minutes were of him staring at a pretty redhead on a subway while the soundtrack had gone off on a soaring symphonic tangent which seemed incongruous with him eye-banging her while she flirted back. She suddenly remembered she is wearing a wedding ring and decided to abandon the train in mid-flirt while Fassbender tries to chase her down in hopes he can introduce her to “Lil’ Mike”.
I want to talk about one of the fucking weirdest scenes in this movie though. Actually the first weird scene is watching Fassbender piss. Like, someone decided to pay him money to walk over to a toilet and take a whizz. It isn’t integral to the story, adds nothing of value to the scene it is in and yet they clearly put careful planning and effort into the scene in order to make it appear natural.
Some might argue that he never really pissed and it was just splashing noises in the bowl but if you watch the scene, despite the actor being turned around you can see the tip of his penis between his thighs and a stream is visible. Either they wasted a huge amount of money on CGI for this one pointless scene, worked really hard at strapping a tube to the guys dick so they could squirt apple juice at the right moment OR they just paid him to take a piss, which just seems easier and cheaper.
Some might argue that if his back is turned than maybe they got a body double for this integral piss scene. Maybe, but that seems even more pathetic. Fassbender had a scene 2 minutes earlier that was clearly him and clearly full frontal nudity. They are obviously paying him well for him to show off his dick and ass in the movie and even simulate sex on numerous occasions so then finding someone with the same build and paying them to strip nude and piss in the toilet seems…like pissing money down the toilet. Ba dum bum.
Now that we have overanalyzed that lets get to the other fucking weird one. The other scene is when he gets caught by his sister jerking off to a cam girl (if you don’t know what that is, don’t google it at work). He sits in his room staring off into space for a while and then decides to give up his porny ways. So he grabs a garbage bag and starts throwing all his porn in it. He grabs a stash from various closets, dressers, drawers. It is all very fast paced and deliberate. He has a very determined expression. Half way through he opens the fridge, pulls out some pasta and chucks it in as well before moving on. It literally looked like he got halfway through this life changing moment, remembered he had week old leftovers in the fridge and just decided to toss it on top.
That isn’t quite right either though. He has the same determined and deliberate look, his body language is still energized and frantic. He clearly blames this, I swear it looks like penne in a tomato sauce, for leading him down a path of perversion. I could even understand if it was some takeout food. Like “Damn your easy convenience for enabling me to spend more time online, jerking it to porn”. It wasn’t takeout though, it was clearly in a cooking pot. This penne had done nothing to this man but nourish him at some point and he threw it on top of his porn with hate in his heart. It wasn’t like he was trying to ruin the porn either, because he ends up with 4 bags of porn and only one gets the pasta on it.
Then for good measure he throws out HIS FUCKING LAPTOP. I mean, it was running Vista so I suppose that might have been part of the issue but it is like he is done with porn so he has NO OTHER USE FOR THIS COMPUTER. That would be like a food addict throwing out his pots and pans because clearly he will never need those again, they only cook bacon.
Actually, the whole cam girl thing makes no sense, but I promise this will be the last scene I will analyze to death. The entire scene starts off with the sister walking in on Fassbender’s character jerking off in the bathroom. He gets awkward and defensive while she mostly seems amused. They have an argument and then he goes to hide in the bathroom for a while. She grabs a beer from the fridge, meanders over to his laptop and taps on it to kill the screensaver. On it she finds said cam girl, sitting around waiting. Cam girl talks dirty for a bit, mistaking the sister for a girlfriend and wanting to keep her billable hours rolling. Fassbender comes into the room, slaps the laptop closed and disappears to his bedroom for a sulk before he does the spring porn cleaning I mentioned earlier.
So starting with the obvious question, Why in the hell is he paying this cam girl to wait around WHILE HE GOES TO THE BATHROOM TO BEAT OFF? That would be like going to a movie and spending half your night out by the concession stand so you can eat your popcorn…only more stupid somehow. The laptop IS A FUCKING LAPTOP! He could easily drag it to the bathroom with him, or the bedroom if that was a little too creepy. Hell, he could have choked the chicken at the kitchen table, what it lacked in privacy it would have made up for in A LIVE WOMAN ON HIS SCREEN TOUCHING HERSELF. You don’t read a porn magazine just so you can go to the next room and jerk off to your memories of it, no matter how much easier the clean up is in the new room.
The next question is WHY IS THE CAM GIRL STILL THERE? The guy leaves for so long that the screensaver comes on but she waited around to see if he wanted to have a nice post masturbation chat afterwards? Was she hoping he would answer the automated customer satisfaction survey if she stayed on the line? Did she just want to ask WHY THE FUCK he left the room to go masturbate too? Was it gnawing away at her mind as much as it did mine?
This probably seemed like a good movie when it was in a pitch meeting. It attracted a couple of pretty decent actors who were putting effort into their roles. It even paid them well enough that they both got naked for it. Which, pissing scene aside, was a pretty necessary part of a story about sex addiction. What it ended up as is an hour and a half of a porno with the soundtrack swapped with Lord of the Rings, which left 10 whole minutes for the emotional pay-off before tacking on an ambiguous ending and credits rolled. The whole thing was such a missed opportunity to be funny or clever or relatable or even just informative. Join me next time I waste a Saturday watching something awful from the terrifying depths of Netflix. Possibly something involving sharks and extreme weather but that isn’t even at the heady quality heights of Sharknado.
Rancid Monke
The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog.
Here’s an excerpt:
A New York City subway train holds 1,200 people. This blog was viewed about 7,100 times in 2013. If it were a NYC subway train, it would take about 6 trips to carry that many people.
Click here to see the complete report.
Rancid J. Monke
rancidmonke@gmail.com
Facebook – www.facebook.com/Rancid.j.monke
Twitter – @rancidmonke
I recently ran across a repellant article on my Facebook newsfeed and there is a good chance you saw it kicking around as well. It was called The Case Against Female Self-Esteem. It was pretty much exactly that, a rant about how women with high self-esteem were a bad thing. Mostly bad for the author and men like him, although he also tried to make the case it was bad for the women with high self-esteem, but I doubt they are buying it. Since I haven’t written anything in a while and this particular article is ripe for mockery, I figured I would take a look at it. Do I really need to? I doubt it. I don’t see strong, independent women letting this guy phase them in the slightest and the type of guys that make up the core audience for an article like this have already made up their minds and closed them up tight. That won’t stop me, blogging is all about spewing opinions out into the void to be largely ignored.
Before I hand you a link to his page all willy-nilly I think I need to prepare you a little bit. I did a bare minimum of internet searching on the author and it seems he has a variety of books on Amazon with a range of offensive titles that the blog displays prominently in hopes of getting sales. The guy is clearly from the Ann Coulter/Rush Limbaugh school of media marketing. Be offensive for the sake of being offensive because for all the people who will hate you there will be a small group doing a fist pump at their desk going “Yaaaaa! This guy writes stuff I only think about”. Much like Ann and Rush, you really have to wonder how much he buys into his own bullshit and how much is just for show, to appeal to the lowest form of person so they will snap up his latest offerings. Everyone else is just so much fodder for his continuing crusade against good taste and social sensitivity. So as you head over to read this post of his remember that if it makes you so offended that you want to urinate on his future grave then he got what he wanted and considers it a job well done. Link for the linkless.
http://mattforney.com/case-female-self-esteem/
(I am not going to go line by line trying to refute all of this. First of all, it would take up too much of a lovely three-day weekend and secondly, some of it is so repugnant that it isn’t worth dignifying with a response. Some of this will no doubt stir up a lot of anger and disgust in you but I don’t need to try to turn that anger into words any more than you need me to justify your feelings on it.)
Let’s take a look at some of it and my opinions on it, feel free to leave me any additions, comments or opinions in the comment section below.
“From the moment they’re old enough to speak, girls in America are bombarded with propaganda that artificially boosts their self-esteem. They’re told that they’re shpecialand you-nique because they have an extra X chromosome. They’re told that they’re smart, that they can do anything, that they deserve respect merely for existing. They’re encouraged to derive self-worth not from their inherent feminine nature but from their college degree, their job or the other illusory trappings of achievement in a man’s world.”
He manages to suggest that modern women are encouraged to find self-worth just from being women AND that they are encouraged not to derive self-worth from their feminine nature but rather from education and careers IN THE SAME DAMN PARAGRAPH…AND HE ISN’T HAPPY ABOUT EITHER. Apparently he has put a lot of thought into this.
“In the world of men, respect—and by extension self-esteem—is based on actually achieving something of worth or having some kind of skill or talent.”
First off, respect and self-esteem are REALLY not that interchangeable. The respect he mentions is external, the regard that others have for you and/or your work. Self-esteem is the overall emotional evaluation of your own worth, pretty obviously internal. One can certainly gather self-esteem from the respect people show you but it is only one source from which self-esteem is derived. Others include self-confidence, self-respect, self awareness and acceptance…as well as delusions of grandeur, narcissism, wealth, sexual conquests and the ability to buy shiny, expensive shit. Some of that is probably more healthy than others.
Point is that other people’s opinions of us in not the sole deciding factor in our internal sense of worth. If it was than the original author would no doubt be curled up in the fetal position somewhere, slowly rocking back and forth and whimpering as much of the internet tries to suggest he do something anatomically impossible with his head and his rectum. Instead he is trading insults with people on twitter and having a good laugh about members of the public wishing painful lesions upon his most private of parts. Obviously he is getting his self-esteem elsewhere.
“The same goes for having a job. The vast majority of girls work useless fluff jobs: government bureaucrats, human resources and various other makework positions that exist to give them the illusion of independence. The jobs that keep the country running—tradesmen, miners, farmers, policemen, the military—are still overwhelmingly dominated by men.”
…says the guy who writes a blog. Can you really try to claim fraternity with the tradesmen and farmers of the world if your contribution to society is being an ass on the internet to drive your book sales?
“If every girl was fired from her job tomorrow, elementary schools would have to shut down for a couple days, but otherwise life would go on as usual. If every man lost his job tomorrow, the country would collapse.”
Except if every woman (they are called women, girls are the ones in those school yards he isn’t allowed within 50 feet of) was fired from her job tomorrow it would probably devastate the health care industry, so try not to get sick. Seriously though, it is like this guy lives in the 50’s. I have not had a job in the last 15 years in which women have not made up at least a respectable percent of the workforce, including most of my time in construction/demolition. I wondered if perhaps he was in a very male dominated career but the only thing listed in his About Us section was hitchhiking across the States and writing a book about it. Not exactly a growth industry no matter what gender you are.
Also, let’s not knock the fine people currently spending their days caring for and educating our children so we don’t have to. With the loss of educators and daycare workers we would end up with uneducated, feral youth roaming the streets with nothing to do. Surely they all can’t start blogging on the internet.
“Given their lack of physical strength, a woman on her own should be frightened as hell without men to protect her. If society were to collapse, all the Strong, Independent Women™ who read Jezebeland xoJane would last about five minutes before they either found a man to cling onto or got raped and killed.”
…or found a gun. I mean, this is exactly what guns are for, overcoming an opponent no matter their physical strength. They are the great equalizer, that is their purpose, it is why cops don’t run around fighting crime with broadswords. Admittedly, training and experience with firearms goes a long way but even an absolute amateur with a loaded pistol is still a force to be reckoned with, just ask any police officer who has had to face one down. I am not even really a gun enthusiast but it would certainly be the first thing on my shopping list if society collapsed.
Actually, I find it a little suspicious that the first thing he thinks that will happen if society collapses is that we men will all be looking for someone to rape/murder. If society did collapse I think the first thing that would happen is people would try to rebuild it. We all like our clean sheets, hot showers and jalapeño poppers too much to want to give them up and join roving gangs of brigands.
“Part of our identity as men based in women needing us, if not necessarily in a material sense, then in an emotional one, though material and emotional vulnerability often go hand in hand. That female insecurity is a crucial ingredient for unlocking our inner masculine instincts.”
So the heart of his little rant is that women should feel vulnerable and needy so men like him can feel like a Real Man™ and take care of them. Question for you, doesn’t that make him the vulnerable and needy one? Answer: Yes, yes it fucking does. He is essentially admitting he needs someone else to bolster his ego and self-esteem on a regular basis by depending on him (which might explain why he confused respect and self-esteem earlier). He then goes on to suggest that this is the natural order of things and this is what all men want and need out of a relationship. On behalf of men everywhere who aren’t interested in this nonsense, can I just say “Ewwwww!”
I imagine coming home to that every night in a relationship and it just makes me tired, bored and irritated. Constantly badgered by another person’s problems and questions that they seem incapable of dealing with on their own, I get enough of that training new employees at work. The feeling that you needed to have all the answers, that you couldn’t rely on the other person to have your back. Even if this was the type of relationship I had, I would be working hard to try and help the person gain the skills and confidence needed to become independent, not basking in the glow of their undeserved awe.
“When I first went on a date with the only girl I would have ever married, her hands were trembling in nervousness. She later admitted that she was openly intimidated by me and the idea that I found her attractive.”
I obviously don’t have any specifics about this relationship other than he speaks of it in the past tense. He had what he wanted and couldn’t keep it, so that should tell you a lot of what you need to know right there.
Confidence doesn’t give men erections; vulnerability does.
Ummm, if we are going to be honest, boobs is probably the realistic answer. After that it is down to individual taste but I am pretty sure telling women that vulnerability gives you an erection will make you seem like a serial killer.
“If I’m not the center of a girl’s world, I’m not going to be in her world period.”
Jesus man, how needy are you?
“I can already see the Jizzabellers angrily pounding away at their Macbooks: “You just can’t handle a Strong, Independent Woman™!” We men can handle you just fine; the problem is that we don’t want to.”
If he could stop speaking for our gender as a whole, that would be great.
“Girls don’t want the six-figure cubicle job, the shiny Brooklyn 2BR, the master’s degree, the sexual liberation, none of it. They want to becollectively led back to the kitchen, told to make a nice big tuna sandwich with extra mayo and lettuce, then swatted on the ass as we walk out the door.”
WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH THE SANDWICH THING? You can’t read an internet comment section or twitter feed without some ass demanding that an imaginary women come to his house to make him a sandwich. He is always screaming it to the internet because clearly no sane woman is within earshot. Seriously though, when I reached an age where I was capable of holding a butter knife properly it was pretty much a given that I would be making my own damn sandwiches. When I see a grown man demanding life present him with someone to make him a sandwich I start to think he might need help with wiping himself or getting dressed. If the author is the one who needs someone dependent on him, shouldn’t he be the one making the sandwiches. If he is supposed to be the manly, capable provider, then why can’t he even seem to feed himself?
Now that I am done with this nonsense of an article I am going to make a nice big tuna sandwich with extra mayo and pickles WITH MY OWN TWO DAMN HANDS LIKE A GROWN-UP.
Rancid Monke
How do you end up with a label like Most Dangerous Woman on the Internet? Got me, I am not sure I am even the most dangerous person in this room…and I live here alone.
Seema Kalia won the moniker by exposing corruption at Trinity School, a three hundred year old private school in the heart of New York City…well, an area of New York City anyway. After blowing the whistle on trustee fraud, she was dismissed as an “unhinged housewife” by one of the defendants, damaging her career and affecting her personal life. As she sets herself to take on the trustees, their law firm and various news websites defaming her name, Wachtell and the other parties under investigation have used her divorce proceedings to strike back in the most despicable manner possible.
What do you do to piss off The Most Dangerous Woman on the Internet? You abuse your power and authority to take her children away from her for the better part of a year.
If my heart wasn’t already clogged full of pastrami, it would be breaking right now.
Below are some juicy public documents pertaining to the proceedings in which opposing counsel asked 125 questions about the federal investigation into Wachtell Lipton, Manhattan District Attorney Cy Vance Jr. and Trinity School. Only 3 questions were asked pertaining to her children during the entire DIVORCE trail (masters of subtlety these people are not). Some of the pertinent information in the court transcripts have been highlighted in case you aren’t the sort of person who enjoys slogging through long, dull court proceedings. Actually, I would be more concerned if you were the sort of person who enjoys slogging through long, dull court proceedings. You should probably get outside more.
Court transcript confirming federal investigation of Manhattan District Attorney Cy Vance Jr and Wachtell Lipton
HighlightedOct82012CrossExamofSeemaKalia
Affidavit of Seema Kalia regarding the threats and retaliation against her children from Wachtell Lipton
AugustAffidavitinSupportofMotiontoObtainCustody
Folks, if you are only going to become enraged over one abuse of power and injustice this year, let it be this one (because I worked really hard on writing it, I had to use a Thesaurus and everything).
It’s worth noting that after dragging the private school through legal infamy, Wachtell Lipton’s main partner, Martin Lipton is at the centre of a controversy about board governance issues at the storied New York University. Lipton is the Chairman of the Board at NYU, and together with his hand picked President, John Sexton, is trying to push through a large list of aggressive commercial changes at the university. After five NYU faculties recently had a no confidence vote in Sexton, Lipton refused to listen.
Link for your continued reading enjoyment.
A group of over 400 NYU professors has demanded that Lipton step down as Chairman of the Board, which is something that (as far as I know) has never happened at a US university.
The final besmirched end of the Trinity School mascot.
An update, but not a particularly happy one:
https://rancidmonke.com/2015/08/13/seema-kalia-still-hasnt-seen-her-kids-a-depressing-update-at-the-three-year-mark/
My father always had a nasty habit of pointing out the absurdity in movies and TV shows. Man could ruin an episode of Dukes of Hazzard or MacGyver before the first commercial. Apparently this sort of dick behaviour is herdatary, so I leave you with these Points to Ponder!
Batman – Why the hell did Bruce Wayne’s parents leave out the back of the theatre anyway?
Starting with the obvious question of why the hell Alfred wasn’t picking them up, we at least have to question why the two richest fucking people in the city popped out back into a dark alley in the middle of downtown with such a bad reputation that it is literally fucking called CRIME ALLEY?
What was the plan? They weren’t going to catch a cab in the middle of an alley, they didn’t park back there, Alfred was apparently at home organizing his sock drawer and not coming to get them. I don’t give a fuck how “down to earth” and “man of the people” you want to be, rich people are usually not so stupid as to wander the back streets of downtown in the dead of night in order to take public transit. It isn’t like they have public transit all the way out to THEIR MANSION ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF TOWN ANYWAY. Do you think there is a lot of call for the 10:30pm bus to Wayne Manor?!!!!
WHAT THE FUCK WERE THESE PEOPLE DOING?
“Hey Honey, lets wander this crime infested ghetto looking for a way home. Surely our vast wealth and fancy clothes will frighten off intruders.”
“Quick, he pulled a gun. Act condescending and aloof!”
Batman versus Superman – I have had this argument with two different friends. Who wins in a fight, Batman or Superman? Both times they have picked Batman and both times I have had to defend the Last Son of Krypton from their razor wit, despite the fact that his last movie was utter crap. Both levels of my argument are below.
Fictional Reality – The simplicity of the answer stems from the simplicity of the question. It isn’t “Who could prepare the most for a fight?” nor “How could Batman beat Superman?”, the question is “Who would win in a fight?”
So if we remove all the trappings and get down to brass tacks? If Batman spills Superman’s beer and they decided to step outside and settle it? Let’s face it, Batman then has to climb a near unclimbable mountain while all Superman has to really do is land one punch. Even with all the lack of finesse you would expect of a hillybilly farmboy, it is hard to imagine him not being able to connect with one solid punch, effectively decimating Batman’s resistance to the next punch and turning Bruce into a puddle of man-soup in no time. Among other things, Superman has a near limitless reserve of stamina. All he would really need to do is let Bruce tire himself out and go in for the haymaker.
When people talk about Batman winning they are creating scenarios of his planning and scheming or using tricks and kryptonite. They are talking about pre-meditaition, which there is no guarantee of. Maybe he keeps his kryponite with him at all times just in case but that isn’t a reliable assumption. Which brings us to the next point.
Plain Old Reality – The winner is whoever the hell the writer decides will win. Considering it is an underdog story then odds are Batman will win as he is the one who would have to work the hardest. He is the David to Superman’s Goliath. The reality of it all is pointless because whatever the writer needs it to be for the story to work is how that fight will end. In a fair fight, Batman is a man trying to defeat a god from on high. That is why it will never be written as a fair fight.
Despite it being a much more interesting story for Batman to win, Superman is much more a creature OF story than Batman is. Superman’s power fluctuates depending on who is writing him and what needs they have at the time. One minute he can move planets out of position, the next he has been dialed back to the point where he is a fair opponent to Batman. Batman, despite being a rich dude dressed up in fetish gear fighting street crime, is still more anchored in reality than Superman.
In short, Batman would probably win because he is more popular and it would make for better fiction. Superman probably should win but who the hell would want to read that?
The Matrix – So at one point they mention that the machines liquify the dead to feed them intravenously to the living. Is that the only source of food for these people? Assuming a standard life cycle and the current population of earth is it conceivable to feed the entire living population off of the dead on a daily basis? If not, what the hell else are they feeding them considering there is no sun to support vegetation (or farm animals on the surface)? I assume they are also recycling waste products (so how many times has that steak you’ve been eating been eaten before?) but it would still lose nutritional value each time it was passed on.
So what are they feeding the pod people and where does the goop on the Nebakanezer come from? At the end of the day it would be infinitely easier to eradicate all human life and then adapt to any of a vast variety of other energy sources (or find a way to set up solar panel farms above the cloud bank) than it is to maintain the bizarre Matrix illusion as well as feed an maintain the bodies tied in to it.
– Where do babies come from in the Matrix? Obviously people don’t actually touch genitals so there appears to be only 2 options.
1) Man spunk is transported to a pod lady who gets pregnant.
2) Man spunk and lady egg transported to separate pod
Either way, do the machines wait for a couple to get it on in the Matrix before matching their sperm and egg or does it just assign a random pod baby to a couple after they have copulated and it has grown to a point where it has a conciousness?
In many ways this explains the fundamentalist views of contraception and abortion though.
No condoms or birth control should be available, no abortions of unwanted pregnancies should be allowed, no interest in the health or welfare of kids after they are born. Makes sense if you look at it from the view point of a programmed response from the Matrix to ensure a steady supply of fresh power sources…more sense than anything they come up with on Fox News.
Lord Of The Ring – What the fuck half assed plan was the Fellowship of the Ring supposed to be? A small group of people take a magic invisibility ring THAT THEY SHOULD NEVER WEAR into the enemy stronghold to walk it through the gathering armies of Sauron in order to throw it in Mount Doom. That was a stupid fucking plan BEFORE the Hobbits took off by themselves, AFTER it is 99.9% likely to end in two dead Hobbits and the ring back in Sauron’s possession. There is no logical reason it should have worked nor that ANYONE should have thought it would work.
-Why the fuck does Boromir think the ring is the answer to all his problems in Gondor? I know the ring is using it’s power to give him a wicked stiffy for it but he never really explains at any time how using the ring to make exactly 1 person invisible is going to win him the war against the orcs in Gondor. Galadriel or Gandalf could probably wield awesome power with the ring but there is no indication it does anything but make non-magic types like the Hobbits and Isildur invisible (while painting a big supernatural target on them). One invisible dude is not turning the tide of an entire war.
Star Wars – So you are taken from your family at an incredibly young age and then indoctrinated with the idea that strong emotions are bad and will lead to “the dark side”. So you are supposed to be noble, righteous, faithful and charitable despite the fact you are supposed to have no strong emotions or emotional attachment to people, places or things. Perhaps a psychologist can enlighten us, but it sounds like they are attempting to instill psychopathic behaviour to me.
You seem to give up all worldly possessions in order to avoid physical attachment except you get to build your own kick-ass laser sword which you then get to keep and which they drill into you that it is an all important life-saving tool. I would give up my worldly possessions for a kick-ass laser sword so this just seems counter productive to me.
You are also a one in a million genetic anomaly with a blood borne virus of some sort that allows you to manipulate the force but you aren’t allowed to have relationships, sex or kids. So instead of the excellent odds of your special mutation being passed on through 2 Jedi parents or even the decent odds of 1 Jedi parent, the entire system is based on the one in a million freak accident of nature being able to continue your mutated evolution.
Maybe they kept their numbers artificially low to not make the Senate feel that they were a threat, but you are talking a scant handful of people to defend the ENTIRE Republic. Remember that pretty much all of them fit in that stadium in Attack of the Clones. That would be around 1 cop for every major city maybe. The Republic seems to have no standing army until the clones show up. They should be working on breeding Jedi to at least an acceptable standard for protection of the galaxy but they really aren’t even doing that. Meanwhile, the Senate might feel they are a threat but they are also relying solely on the Jedi to defend the entire Republic.
– What the fuck does Shmi Skywalker do for a living? She is a slave but she never seems to do any work for Watto. She also never seems to leave the house. The house isn’t Watto’s, he would have noticed the kid building the podracer in the back fucking yard. So she and her son are slaves but they have their own house and she never seems to do any work of any kind that would benefit Watto personally or financially.
Some fan-fiction has postulated that she is a prostitute and Watto is her pimp but like I said, she never leaves the house, she never dresses up and you never see a parade of men hanging around her bedroom.
– So Han Solo dumps his illegal cargo before being boarded…but why the fuck did he bother? Dumping cargo into the inky black nothingness of space is really not a subtle manoeuvre. Unless he dumps it into a planet’s atmosphere so it burns up, all it will do is sit there like a space turd until someone notices it.
Rancid Monke
Angry Canadian Blogger