Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

2015 in review

Posted: December 31, 2015 in Uncategorized

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2015 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 3,100 times in 2015. If it were a cable car, it would take about 52 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

2014 in review

Posted: December 29, 2014 in Uncategorized

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 2,100 times in 2014. If it were a cable car, it would take about 35 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

Internet, We Need To Talk…

Posted: September 6, 2014 in Uncategorized

Internet, we need to talk. The click-bait, the videos that could be replaced with two lines of text, the perpetual smug judgement from freelance web writers, the rampant hyperbole that makes everything amazing/shocking/terrifying!!!! Seriously…just stop it.

“This article/video will shock you!” – I have been roaming around the internet for 14 years now, I have seen the 2 girls with the 1 cup and much, much worse. Your video will not raise my pulse in the slightest.

“You will never guess what happens next!” – I have a functioning frontal lobe so I am pretty sure I can guess what happens next, and I bet good money it will either be sappy or stupid.

“Things only 90’s kids will understand!” – Ring pops and Nickelodeon TV aren’t really hard concepts to grasp. Maybe it isn’t that we don’t understand, maybe we just don’t care.

“9 things you shouldn’t do past 30!” – No one needs a website to tell them what to do past 30. If you made it to 30 without dying, becoming a member of a cult, popping out more kids than you could even remotely support or ending up in jail than odds are you have reached a point where you don’t need a website to decide if you are “too old to go clubbing” or “shouldn’t be getting a tattoo at your age because that is super gross”. If you are 30 and you are in a cult, jail, or a trailer full of your offspring then whatever advice they had has come too late.

“Things you are doing WRONG!” – An article tried to tell me I was eating sushi wrong once. I am pretty sure if it ends up in my face hole and gets chewed enough to swallow without cutting off my airflow than I have achieved the act of eating. I have been eating for 34 friggin’ years, I am pretty sure I got the gold star and “meets expectations” on this one a while ago.

“This will restore your faith in humanity!” – Ten minutes delving into YouTube comment sections will take it away again, so wasted effort.

“Here is a list of astonishing things, #6 will astound/amaze/shock/terrify you!” – Then why is it #6? Do you not know how a list works? If it is that astounding/amazing/shocking/terrifying then it should be at #1 and then #1 obviously needs to move down a little. Otherwise, what the hell was the point of bothering with numbers?

“Famous person does something AMAZING! [VIDEO]” – I made the bold assumption that it was a video of the famous person doing the amazing thing, instead it was a variety of clips of the famous person walking around at a red carpet event and having his picture taken while pressing the flesh. Meanwhile, someone narrated 2 paragraphs of this amazing thing he did without citing any reliable sources or providing anything approaching evidence. WHY DID THIS NEED TO BE A VIDEO?!!!!

“This video will change your life!” – All this video will do is eat into my precious data plan on my cell phone.

“15 amazing life hacks!” – 2 actually useful life hacks. 6 solutions to problems that no sane person actually has. 4 things that you could do but will make your home look 100% more tacky than it already does. 3 fixes that we already have perfectly useful consumer products for.

“Where are they now?!” – Probably the same place they were when a different site checked on them for this same article 2 weeks ago.

“Child stars gone bad!” – Lindsey Lohan is #1. Lindsey Lohan is always #1. Unless we are using this new-fangled math that you all invented, in which case she is #6 but she will astound/amaze/shock/terrify you.

“You won’t believe it isn’t photoshopped!” – Unless you are a proven reliable source or are providing some means of authentication then you are right, I won’t believe it. Just telling me I won’t believe it isn’t enough to make me doubt myself.

“Controversial “Skinny Pill” is taking the country by storm!” – Within a year of Viagra hitting the market most of North America knew to subtly inquire about boner pills from their doctor BY NAME. Every comedy act was legally required to have at least one reference to it, Bob Dole was trying to score a free lifetime supply by flogging it. If there really was a skinny pill then every morning news team in the country would be covering it and every home in North America would have a bottle by now. Instead they are trying to sell this through banner ads on sites about child stars going bad and amazing life hacks that someone stole off reddit. Speaking of boners…

“New all-natural pill will enlarge your penis!” – Now, If there was really a penis enlargement pill, I would have bought stock in that company by now. Having bought stock in the company I would be so rich that the size of my penis wouldn’t matter in the slightest. None of that has happened so we can assume your bottle of processed herbs would make a better salad than a penis enlarger.

Also, does it seem likely that I am particularly concerned about how “all-natural” your product is when I want to increase the size of my penis 10-fold? I am pretty sure I wouldn’t care how much mystery science and synthetic chemicals were involved if it actually worked.

Social Media, we need to talk

“95 percent of you won’t like/share this!” – True…that isn’t actually an incentive to like/share it though. 95 percent of people* don’t tie their genitals to the back of a moving vehicle either, doesn’t mean I should try it just to be different.

* Not an actual accurate percentage of non-genital tying population. Used for illustrative purposes only.

“Only my true friends…” – Stop. Stop right there. I don’t want to be friends with someone trying to guilt trip me over posting a status.

“Click like to show respect for our soldiers!” – Great news, we can shut down the veterans hospitals and stop all the widows and orphans payouts, they are all going to live on Facebook likes from now on.

“1 Like = 1 Respect!” – No, no it really doesn’t mean anything like that. No one stops by and hands over all this “Respect” they have harvested on Facebook to all the deserving teachers/soldiers/doctors/police/firemen/sex workers in the photos. If you respect these people you might want to try talking to them about it.

Rancid Monke

As much good as Netflix pumps out into the world by being a cheap source of quality movies and TV, it is also the purveyor of just as much graveyard time-slot crap, at least here in Canada. Sometimes they just need to pad some numbers or someone offers them cheap rights to something in hopes it will gain cult status, maybe a movie looks good in a synopsis and the stink of its failure is hidden behind high expectations and bankable actors. Hell, it could all be down to individual taste, maybe someone on staff thought it was solid gold. Who knows how it all functions, I don’t work there. What I do know is every once in a while I run into something so bad, it needs to be mocked. Actually, it probably doesn’t NEED to be mocked but I miss our time together, gentle reader. We used to get out more, laugh at silly things and make dick jokes. Me in my boxers and you, faceless behind your wall of internet anonymity.

Anyway, back on point. I was looking for a movie tonight starring Michael Fassbender of young Magneto fame. It was a period piece about Roman soldiers that I had watched and enjoyed before. Sadly, Netflix Canada has stopped offering it for streaming but it did offer up various other titles he had starred in for my viewing pleasure. One called Shame caught my eye, the minimalist Netflix synopsis said it was about a guy with a sex addiction struggling to control himself after his sister moves back in with him. It wasn’t much to go on but I figured there was potential. Other than probably not being safe for work, what did that really tell me though? Would it have interesting things to say about porn and sex addiction? Did they mine the whole thing for cheap laughs before some emotional pay off in the third act?

Nope, not really either of those. At best I would describe it as an hour and a half of Fassbender’s character jerking off and/or having grunty sex with prostitutes strung together by fairly random scenes of him going about a mundane life and arguing with his sister. Obviously I don’t want to spoil this movie for you should you choose to watch it, I hope you enjoy Mr. Fassbender’s cock and unkempt thatch of pubes because I certainly wouldn’t recommend it for any other reason. In the first ten minutes I saw his dick twice and quite literally watched him take a piss. He has also hired a prostitute and then the next 5 minutes were of him staring at a pretty redhead on a subway while the soundtrack had gone off on a soaring symphonic tangent which seemed incongruous with him eye-banging her while she flirted back. She suddenly remembered she is wearing a wedding ring and decided to abandon the train in mid-flirt while Fassbender tries to chase her down in hopes he can introduce her to “Lil’ Mike”.

I want to talk about one of the fucking weirdest scenes in this movie though. Actually the first weird scene is watching Fassbender piss. Like, someone decided to pay him money to walk over to a toilet and take a whizz. It isn’t integral to the story, adds nothing of value to the scene it is in and yet they clearly put careful planning and effort into the scene in order to make it appear natural.

Some might argue that he never really pissed and it was just splashing noises in the bowl but if you watch the scene, despite the actor being turned around you can see the tip of his penis between his thighs and a stream is visible. Either they wasted a huge amount of money on CGI for this one pointless scene, worked really hard at strapping a tube to the guys dick so they could squirt apple juice at the right moment OR they just paid him to take a piss, which just seems easier and cheaper.

Some might argue that if his back is turned than maybe they got a body double for this integral piss scene. Maybe, but that seems even more pathetic. Fassbender had a scene 2 minutes earlier that was clearly him and clearly full frontal nudity. They are obviously paying him well for him to show off his dick and ass in the movie and even simulate sex on numerous occasions so then finding someone with the same build and paying them to strip nude and piss in the toilet seems…like pissing money down the toilet. Ba dum bum.

Now that we have overanalyzed that lets get to the other fucking weird one. The other scene is when he gets caught by his sister jerking off to a cam girl (if you don’t know what that is, don’t google it at work). He sits in his room staring off into space for a while and then decides to give up his porny ways. So he grabs a garbage bag and starts throwing all his porn in it. He grabs a stash from various closets, dressers, drawers. It is all very fast paced and deliberate. He has a very determined expression. Half way through he opens the fridge, pulls out some pasta and chucks it in as well before moving on. It literally looked like he got halfway through this life changing moment, remembered he had week old leftovers in the fridge and just decided to toss it on top.

That isn’t quite right either though. He has the same determined and deliberate look, his body language is still energized and frantic. He clearly blames this, I swear it looks like penne in a tomato sauce, for leading him down a path of perversion. I could even understand if it was some takeout food. Like “Damn your easy convenience for enabling me to spend more time online, jerking it to porn”. It wasn’t takeout though, it was clearly in a cooking pot. This penne had done nothing to this man but nourish him at some point and he threw it on top of his porn with hate in his heart. It wasn’t like he was trying to ruin the porn either, because he ends up with 4 bags of porn and only one gets the pasta on it.

Then for good measure he throws out HIS FUCKING LAPTOP. I mean, it was running Vista so I suppose that might have been part of the issue but it is like he is done with porn so he has NO OTHER USE FOR THIS COMPUTER. That would be like a food addict throwing out his pots and pans because clearly he will never need those again, they only cook bacon.

Actually, the whole cam girl thing makes no sense, but I promise this will be the last scene I will analyze to death. The entire scene starts off with the sister walking in on Fassbender’s character jerking off in the bathroom. He gets awkward and defensive while she mostly seems amused. They have an argument and then he goes to hide in the bathroom for a while. She grabs a beer from the fridge, meanders over to his laptop and taps on it to kill the screensaver. On it she finds said cam girl, sitting around waiting. Cam girl talks dirty for a bit, mistaking the sister for a girlfriend and wanting to keep her billable hours rolling. Fassbender comes into the room, slaps the laptop closed and disappears to his bedroom for a sulk before he does the spring porn cleaning I mentioned earlier.

So starting with the obvious question, Why in the hell is he paying this cam girl to wait around WHILE HE GOES TO THE BATHROOM TO BEAT OFF? That would be like going to a movie and spending half your night out by the concession stand so you can eat your popcorn…only more stupid somehow. The laptop IS A FUCKING LAPTOP! He could easily drag it to the bathroom with him, or the bedroom if that was a little too creepy. Hell, he could have choked the chicken at the kitchen table, what it lacked in privacy it would have made up for in A LIVE WOMAN ON HIS SCREEN TOUCHING HERSELF. You don’t read a porn magazine just so you can go to the next room and jerk off to your memories of it, no matter how much easier the clean up is in the new room.

The next question is WHY IS THE CAM GIRL STILL THERE? The guy leaves for so long that the screensaver comes on but she waited around to see if he wanted to have a nice post masturbation chat afterwards? Was she hoping he would answer the automated customer satisfaction survey if she stayed on the line? Did she just want to ask WHY THE FUCK he left the room to go masturbate too? Was it gnawing away at her mind as much as it did mine?

This probably seemed like a good movie when it was in a pitch meeting. It attracted a couple of pretty decent actors who were putting effort into their roles. It even paid them well enough that they both got naked for it. Which, pissing scene aside, was a pretty necessary part of a story about sex addiction. What it ended up as is an hour and a half of a porno with the soundtrack swapped with Lord of the Rings, which left 10 whole minutes for the emotional pay-off before tacking on an ambiguous ending and credits rolled. The whole thing was such a missed opportunity to be funny or clever or relatable or even just informative. Join me next time I waste a Saturday watching something awful from the terrifying depths of Netflix. Possibly something involving sharks and extreme weather but that isn’t even at the heady quality heights of Sharknado.

Rancid Monke

2013 in review

Posted: December 31, 2013 in Uncategorized

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A New York City subway train holds 1,200 people. This blog was viewed about 7,100 times in 2013. If it were a NYC subway train, it would take about 6 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

Rancid J. Monke
rancidmonke@gmail.com
Facebook – www.facebook.com/Rancid.j.monke
Twitter – @rancidmonke

 

 

 

I recently ran across a repellant article on my Facebook newsfeed and there is a good chance you saw it kicking around as well. It was called The Case Against Female Self-Esteem. It was pretty much exactly that, a rant about how women with high self-esteem were a bad thing. Mostly bad for the author and men like him, although he also tried to make the case it was bad for the women with high self-esteem, but I doubt they are buying it. Since I haven’t written anything in a while and this particular article is ripe for mockery, I figured I would take a look at it. Do I really need to? I doubt it. I don’t see strong, independent women letting this guy phase them in the slightest and the type of guys that make up the core audience for an article like this have already made up their minds and closed them up tight. That won’t stop me, blogging is all about spewing opinions out into the void to be largely ignored.

Before I hand you a link to his page all willy-nilly I think I need to prepare you a little bit. I did a bare minimum of internet searching on the author and it seems he has a variety of books on Amazon with a range of offensive titles that the blog displays prominently in hopes of getting sales. The guy is clearly from the Ann Coulter/Rush Limbaugh school of media marketing. Be offensive for the sake of being offensive because for all the people who will hate you there will be a small group doing a fist pump at their desk going “Yaaaaa! This guy writes stuff I only think about”. Much like Ann and Rush, you really have to wonder how much he buys into his own bullshit and how much is just for show, to appeal to the lowest form of person so they will snap up his latest offerings. Everyone else is just so much fodder for his continuing crusade against good taste and social sensitivity. So as you head over to read this post of his remember that if it makes you so offended that you want to urinate on his future grave then he got what he wanted and considers it a job well done. Link for the linkless.

http://mattforney.com/case-female-self-esteem/

(I am not going to go line by line trying to refute all of this. First of all, it would take up too much of a lovely three-day weekend and secondly, some of it is so repugnant that it isn’t worth dignifying with a response. Some of this will no doubt stir up a lot of anger and disgust in you but I don’t need to try to turn that anger into words any more than you need me to justify your feelings on it.)

Let’s take a look at some of it and my opinions on it, feel free to leave me any additions, comments or opinions in the comment section below.

“From the moment they’re old enough to speak, girls in America are bombarded with propaganda that artificially boosts their self-esteem. They’re told that they’re shpecialand you-nique because they have an extra X chromosome. They’re told that they’re smart, that they can do anything, that they deserve respect merely for existing. They’re encouraged to derive self-worth not from their inherent feminine nature but from their college degree, their job or the other illusory trappings of achievement in a man’s world.”

He manages to suggest that modern women are encouraged to find self-worth just from being women AND that they are encouraged not to derive self-worth from their feminine nature but rather from education and careers IN THE SAME DAMN PARAGRAPH…AND HE ISN’T HAPPY ABOUT EITHER. Apparently he has put a lot of thought into this.

“In the world of men, respect—and by extension self-esteem—is based on actually achieving something of worth or having some kind of skill or talent.”

First off, respect and self-esteem are REALLY not that interchangeable. The respect he mentions is external, the regard that others have for you and/or your work. Self-esteem is the overall emotional evaluation of your own worth, pretty obviously internal. One can certainly gather self-esteem from the respect people show you but it is only one source from which self-esteem is derived. Others include self-confidence, self-respect, self awareness and acceptance…as well as delusions of grandeur, narcissism, wealth, sexual conquests and the ability to buy shiny, expensive shit. Some of that is probably more healthy than others.

Point is that other people’s opinions of us in not the sole deciding factor in our internal sense of worth. If it was than the original author would no doubt be curled up in the fetal position somewhere, slowly rocking back and forth and whimpering as much of the internet tries to suggest he do something anatomically impossible with his head and his rectum. Instead he is trading insults with people on twitter and having a good laugh about members of the public wishing painful lesions upon his most private of parts. Obviously he is getting his self-esteem elsewhere.

“The same goes for having a job. The vast majority of girls work useless fluff jobs: government bureaucrats, human resources and various other makework positions that exist to give them the illusion of independence. The jobs that keep the country running—tradesmen, miners, farmers, policemen, the military—are still overwhelmingly dominated by men.”

…says the guy who writes a blog. Can you really try to claim fraternity with the tradesmen and farmers of the world if your contribution to society is being an ass on the internet to drive your book sales?

“If every girl was fired from her job tomorrow, elementary schools would have to shut down for a couple days, but otherwise life would go on as usual. If every man lost his job tomorrow, the country would collapse.”

Except if every woman (they are called women, girls are the ones in those school yards he isn’t allowed within 50 feet of) was fired from her job tomorrow it would probably devastate the health care industry, so try not to get sick. Seriously though, it is like this guy lives in the 50’s. I have not had a job in the last 15 years in which women have not made up at least a respectable percent of the workforce, including most of my time in construction/demolition. I wondered if perhaps he was in a very male dominated career but the only thing listed in his About Us section was hitchhiking across the States and writing a book about it. Not exactly a growth industry no matter what gender you are.

Also, let’s not knock the fine people currently spending their days caring for and educating our children so we don’t have to. With the loss of educators and daycare workers we would end up with uneducated, feral youth roaming the streets with nothing to do. Surely they all can’t start blogging on the internet.

“Given their lack of physical strength, a woman on her own should be frightened as hell without men to protect her. If society were to collapse, all the Strong, Independent Women™ who read Jezebeland xoJane would last about five minutes before they either found a man to cling onto or got raped and killed.”

…or found a gun. I mean, this is exactly what guns are for, overcoming an opponent no matter their physical strength.  They are the great equalizer, that is their purpose, it is why cops don’t run around fighting crime with broadswords. Admittedly, training and experience with firearms goes a long way but even an absolute amateur with a loaded pistol is still a force to be reckoned with, just ask any police officer who has had to face one down. I am not even really a gun enthusiast but it would certainly be the first thing on my shopping list if society collapsed.

Actually, I find it a little suspicious that the first thing he thinks that will happen if society collapses is that we men will all be looking for someone to rape/murder. If society did collapse I think the first thing that would happen is people would try to rebuild it. We all like our clean sheets, hot showers and jalapeño poppers too much to want to give them up and join roving gangs of brigands.

“Part of our identity as men based in women needing us, if not necessarily in a material sense, then in an emotional one, though material and emotional vulnerability often go hand in hand. That female insecurity is a crucial ingredient for unlocking our inner masculine instincts.”

So the heart of his little rant is that women should feel vulnerable and needy so men like him can feel like a Real Man™ and take care of them. Question for you, doesn’t that make him the vulnerable and needy one? Answer: Yes, yes it fucking does. He is essentially admitting he needs someone else to bolster his ego and self-esteem on a regular basis by depending on him (which might explain why he confused respect and self-esteem earlier). He then goes on to suggest that this is the natural order of things and this is what all men want and need out of a relationship. On behalf of men everywhere who aren’t interested in this nonsense, can I just say “Ewwwww!”

I imagine coming home to that every night in a relationship and it just makes me tired, bored and irritated. Constantly badgered by another person’s problems and questions that they seem incapable of dealing with on their own, I get enough of that training new employees at work. The feeling that you needed to have all the answers, that you couldn’t rely on the other person to have your back. Even if this was the type of relationship I had, I would be working hard to try and help the person gain the skills and confidence needed to become independent, not basking in the glow of their undeserved awe.

“When I first went on a date with the only girl I would have ever married, her hands were trembling in nervousness. She later admitted that she was openly intimidated by me and the idea that I found her attractive.”

I obviously don’t have any specifics about this relationship other than he speaks of it in the past tense. He had what he wanted and couldn’t keep it, so that should tell you a lot of what you need to know right there.

Confidence doesn’t give men erections; vulnerability does.

Ummm, if we are going to be honest, boobs is probably the realistic answer. After that it is down to individual taste but I am pretty sure telling women that vulnerability gives you an erection will make you seem like a serial killer.

“If I’m not the center of a girl’s world, I’m not going to be in her world period.”

Jesus man, how needy are you?

“I can already see the Jizzabellers angrily pounding away at their Macbooks: “You just can’t handle a Strong, Independent Woman™!” We men can handle you just fine; the problem is that we don’t want to.”

If he could stop speaking for our gender as a whole, that would be great.

“Girls don’t want the six-figure cubicle job, the shiny Brooklyn 2BR, the master’s degree, the sexual liberation, none of it. They want to becollectively led back to the kitchen, told to make a nice big tuna sandwich with extra mayo and lettuce, then swatted on the ass as we walk out the door.”

WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH THE SANDWICH THING? You can’t read an internet comment section or twitter feed without some ass demanding that an imaginary women come to his house to make him a sandwich. He is always screaming it to the internet because clearly no sane woman is within earshot. Seriously though, when I reached an age where I was capable of holding a butter knife properly it was pretty much a given that I would be making my own damn sandwiches. When I see a grown man demanding life present him with someone to make him a sandwich I start to think he might need help with wiping himself or getting dressed. If the author is the one who needs someone dependent on him, shouldn’t he be the one making the sandwiches. If he is supposed to be the manly, capable provider, then why can’t he even seem to feed himself?

Now that I am done with this nonsense of an article I am going to make a nice big tuna sandwich with extra mayo and pickles WITH MY OWN TWO DAMN HANDS LIKE A GROWN-UP.

Rancid Monke

It isn’t easy coming up with top quality blog posts full of wit and deep insight. It also isn’t easy to do what I do, which is crap out a post full of dick jokes and pointless rants. Sooner or later you run into writers block, life just doesn’t always provide the necessary stimulus needed for a 1500 word tangent about politics or movies. They say you should write about what you know but short of reviewing hardcore pornography I am running low on ideas that interest me.

Still, it is a big old internet out there and surely it has some good ideas I can steal…I mean borrow…I mean liberate for the betterment of all mankind. I found a site that claims to have 100 nifty blog ideas. Let’s try a few out, shall we?

Write about your favourite colour – Hmmm, seems a bit bland. Still, let’s power through and see if anything can be made of this. Most of my young life I have claimed that my favourite colour was red, which is a fine colour I suppose. At first it was just an arbitrary decision, someone asked what colour I liked in Kindergarten so they could quantify my sad little ass to make themselves a chart of some kind. I chose red for precisely no reason whatsoever because even as a kid I realized it was sort of a silly question that had no bearing on my life. I was young and stupid and my brain hadn’t fully cooked yet so my preferences were sort of dependent on the last thing I had seen or what my brothers thought were cool.

Eventually I did form a preference because all children eventually come into their own but I still stuck to red when asked. In all honesty my favourite colour is purple but as a child in public school I was always afraid of saying that because I thought it made me “the gay”. Try not to judge me to harshly for my youthful idiocy, that is precisely the sort of stupidity that youth, peer pressure from equally stupid young people and the public school system tend to breed into small children.

I am into my thirties now and have long ago realized that other people can certainly piss off because I have no interest in the opinions of 90% of the burping, farting, fornicating rabble that calls itself humanity. I have since come to learn that purple is in fact associated with sexual frustration (it really is, feel free to Wikipedia that shit). Considering the last 20 odd years of masturbating to increasingly shameful pornography it really comes as no surprise that purple is my favourite.

Write about your favourite number – Ummm, no. The only answer I have is the same one anybody who has ever read The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy has, so screw it. There have to be better post ideas than this.

Write about something you can’t believe you used to like – Full House…seriously, why the hell did I sit down and watch that drivel. In fact, most of what was the oddly named T.G.I.F comedy line-up. We currently live in an era of some of the best televised entertainment ever so I guess hindsight has kicked in but still, why in the name of all that is good and great in this world was the adventures of the Winslow family and their nerdy neighbour Urkele every a thing?

It lasted 9 damn seasons!!! I am sure I watched more than my fair share of those 9 seasons but the only lasting impression the show made is that one of the daughter’s on the show went on to become a porn star. I imagine you have already closed this tab and are googling that while you look for a tissue. Damn, I should have put this one at the end.

Write about your most favourite body part – Someone on this blog idea site apparently wants me to talk about my penis. I don’t know why, I don’t know what sick,deviant pleasure they get out of loving descriptions of my skin flute but I am hardly going to validate this perversity without at least getting dinner first. Some place nice, with tablecloths and real napkins.

Write about the most disgusting thing you’ve ever experienced – Alright, if you have a weak stomach I suggest you skip on by. I once worked for a company that did demolition and one of our jobs was to strip out an old restaurant to the bare walls. There was a lot of disgusting things involved with that particular job but the very worst was the urinals. We had stripped the bathroom walls and such out so basically we had two urinals in the middle of a giant empty space that used to be the men’s room. Imagine two urinals hanging in empty space with a few buckets under them and some wires tying them upright to the selling so the stayed up straight, mostly just hanging off their own plumbing.

Problem being we needed the urinals gone so the plumbers could take apart the plumbing. The decision made was to smash the urinals off the plumbing by tossing a hammer at them and breaking them apart. Apparently smashing the porcelain also freed up the smell of fermented salty/ammonia leavings that had been sitting in the pipes since the place had closed. That is a smell that will haunt my nightmares for the rest of my life. There is never enough showers to wash that shit off. After 3 minutes it became less a smell and more of a taste. Thanks for reminding me of that you stupid site.

Discuss something you fear – Heart attack, clogged arteries, diabetes, birds, aliens coming down to probe me in unpleasant places, demonic possession, nuclear war, serial killers, the new Star Wars movies being really bad, asteroids colliding with the earth…

Just write about your daily travel from your home to workplace – It is a hour and a half bus ride, why would anyone in their right mind be interested in hearing about it? I have to do it every day and even I couldn’t give a shit.

Share an unconventional way of doing something – Instead of peeling a banana from the stem where it hangs from the bunch, grab it at the little tip at the other end and squeeze it together gently (I imagine whoever wanted me to describe my penis is probably throughly satisfied now). Should pop apart much easier than cracking it off at the stem.

What would people think if they went through your garbage? – They would probably wonder what the hell all these are.

sprue
You are intrigued now, aren’t you?

Your opinion on the latest world news – We have a new Pope. This hasn’t altered my life in any way, shape or form.

Describe your childhood in sounds and smells – This is the sort of nonsense that gives blogs a bad name. This is where you wax all nostalgic about the smell of fresh baked bread and newly mown grass as the reader rolls their eyes and wonders why they have to put up with this. They were only humouring you in the first place because it seemed like the polite thing to do. They were worried you might ask them questions about it the next time you met. Wow, two whole paragraphs about the sound of an ice cream truck on a summer’s day?! Well, to hell with polite then.

Dispel a myth – It is Rancid Monkey with the “Y” taken off of the end to be hip and cool. It is not, nor will it ever be, Rancid Monk with a silent and pointless “E” tacked on.

Your life in six words – Fuck, fuck, fuckity, fuck, fuck…sushi.

If you could be anywhere in the world right at this moment, where would you be? –  I would be in Anna Kendrick’s underpants, the implication there being that I would like to be having intimate relations with her, not that I want to be running around in her frilly lace panties and staring at myself in a mirror or something. Clearly that would be insane…haha, haha…*sigh*.

Write an article describing the focus and purpose of the blog itself – The original purpose was to impress women with my sparkling wit and personality so they would throw their moistened underwear at me as I passed. Not particularly successful so far.

Think of the unknown – I think this suggestion is broken…

Write about something that you’ve noticed that makes you like a person – Boobs? Is the answer boobs? I feel like the answer should be boobs. You know how they interview people on the street from time to time and they ask “What do you notice first about a women?” and there is a few seconds gap before the guy being asked says “Her eyes”? That is because he is trying to think of something besides boobs. Don’t look at me like that, if you didn’t want the truth you should never have come here.

Write about a new trend that you hate – I really don’t know who decided that leaving the sales sticker on the brim of a ball cap was the height of fashion but they are an idiot. It isn’t hip, it isn’t fashionable, it doesn’t make you an individual and certainly doesn’t constitute a style. I can’t imagine what type of women would be impressed by your stickered hat but I imagine they would be as equally impressed if you had “got their nose” or did that trick where you make a pencil look like it is all rubbery.

All it does is make you look like a wanker. It is literally a proud little badge you wear upon your head advertising to the world that you are the sort of irritating little pecker that thinks this sort of nonsensical shit is what makes a person cool. I know that probably sounds to you kiddies like I am too old to know what cool is but I can assure you that neither of us knows what cool is cause I am too old to give a fuck what cool is and you are running around with a FUCKING STICKER ON YOUR HAT.

People who are cool don’t worry about what is cool. They don’t follow trends, they set them. People with “swag” don’t use the word “swag” because it makes them sound like an insufferable ass. Sadly, none of the stickered masses will get that until well into middle age. I hope their parents are taking lots of embarrassing photos.

Write about what you did today
6 am – Woke up
6:05 am – Had bowel movement
6:10 am – Started cooking breakfast
6:20 am – Watched episode of Dr. Who, ate breakfast
7:20 am – Started this stupid blog post

Well…that wasn’t really riveting.

What you like and dislike about your boss – Sure, why don’t I just take a shotgun to my foot as well? Or maybe I can stick my genitals in this bear trap? This is almost as bad as Cosmo Magazine giving out sex advice.

Write about the life lessons you learned in high school or college – People suck. Not all of them, not all the time and there are certainly varying degrees of suck but in general terms, people suck. Also, I am naturally pessimistic.

Write a blog about writing blogs – One of the most thankless hobbies I have ever had. I don’t get any money for this so my only reward is page views and the satisfaction of hearing from people that they had a laugh at something I wrote. It is rare to get any comments and almost as rare to get re-tweeted or a Facebook share. Tried posting on Reddit but with no success. Every once in a while I will end up in a conversation with someone and low and behold they have been a fan of my blog for ages, something I wouldn’t have known or even have guessed at until they mention it in passing.

I don’t want to whine on about this, nor am I looking to hit the big time or sell ad space, I just want to feel that this all has a point. All I ask is if you have the time and like what I am doing here please pass it on so I don’t feel like it is a waste of my time. There are buttons at the bottom of every post that allow you to share on several forms of social media as well as the option to subscribe to post updates by email if you check all the nonsense on the left side of the page.

A goal in your life – Promise you won’t laugh? Someday I want to be a New York Times best-selling author. You’re laughing aren’t you? I hate you so much right now.

Rancid Monke

2012 in review

Posted: December 30, 2012 in Uncategorized

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The new Boeing 787 Dreamliner can carry about 250 passengers. This blog was viewed about 1,100 times in 2012. If it were a Dreamliner, it would take about 4 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

Make Way for the Future!

Posted: September 10, 2012 in Uncategorized

Have you seen anyone ripping down the street in a horse and buggy lately? Unless you live in Amish country, probably not. We evolved beyond the need for them, we left them behind in favour of cars and most of the population has never looked back. Obviously humanity is making huge strides in technology on a daily basis but what are we going to be leaving behind in the next 5, 10, 20 or 50 years?

Here are some of the most likely next victims of our great technological revolution. Some day you will be trying to explain this crap to your uninterested grandkids while they humour you in hopes of getting in your will.

1) Phone Booths – These are already dead, I shouldn’t have to explain this one. Who wants to sit around in a urine soaked booth full of graffiti to talk to someone for 35 cents a pop? The fact that there are already far fewer of them around then even 5 years ago makes it an unreliable way to communicate anyway. This death spiral will continue until they are obsolete.

2) Keyboard and Mouse – Half the planet can’t even spell properly WITH a damn spellcheck but we still include long rows of jumbled letters and punctuation with every computer sold. It is just begging for people to violate the English language like a pervert in a truck stop bathroom.

With the advances in touch screens and voice recognition I don’t think it will be a stretch to see people of the future leaving greasy finger prints all over every monitor and babbling to their computer in order to send e-mails, tweets, facebook status updates or draft thing up in a word processor. This means the only way you will be able to tell a sane person from a complete nut job when they are sitting at a computer is whether it is actually turned on.

3) Computer Monitors – You know the fancy hologram projector thing that gets used in the Iron Man and Avengers movies? You see it a lot in sci-fi stuff now. It’s a combination of keyboard and monitor but it just sort of floats in the air. I saw it in the Mass Effect games too. Right now the movies are just using post production magic to make it happen but some day this will become a reality (it it isn’t being worked on already) and computer monitors will be done. Who needs a screen when any reasonably uncluttered surface would make a decent backdrop. It will also get rid of the need for keyboard and mouse interfaces if the voice recognition software and touchscreen don’t first.

4)Physical Media – Movie studios, record companies and game producers sure do like boxes, manuals and discs. It makes it much easier to sell the price tag on the front if it comes in a nice, hefty package to hold on to. Despite the fact that iTunes, NetFlix, Hulu and Steam are taking off in a big way, content creators are still holding on to the idea of buying and owning discs. Some day that will come to an end though, at this point it isn’t even a question of “will this happen?” or “when will this happen?” but “why the hell hasn’t this happened yet?”

Sooner or later they are going to realize the costs of having factories overseas where you exploit the hell out of the labour force with insignificant wages then have your product bulk shipped back to North America for distribution is still more expensive than putting some decent servers together and putting the digital file up for direct sale. Or to put it more plainly, they will finally figure out what internet pirates realized YEARS AGO and try to get on board to make a profit. Maybe instead of trying to shut down the big torrent sites they should be looking to partner up with them?

5) Books – I love books, not just the stuff on them but the smell and feel of the ink and paper of a book. I understand why people are so dead set against things like Kindles or Kobos or  iBooks. The problem is, I think us physical book lovers (that is not what I meant you pervert) are eventually going to lose. Truth is I have sat down and read entire books on my teeny tiny iPhone screen before. Want to know why? Same reason I stay up all night to finish “just one more chapter” of a real book, it was a damn good story and I couldn’t put it down.

Most North Americans that actually do bother reading are pretty trained to read things off screens now anyway. News sites, Facebook, Twitter if your desperate, WordPress Blogs if you are desperate and slightly masochistic. We are there for the content and although we might appreciate the pretty wrappings of a well designed site at the end of the day text is text, whether it is on paper or a screen isn’t as fundamentally important to your enjoyment of it as the fact that it is well written. In the end, the book will die for the same reasons that all physical media will die, it just might take a little longer for us to wrap our head around the fact that paper and bindings does not a book make.

6)Movie Theatres – I hear stories about how the poor movie chains are struggling to make it through with the movie studios screwing them out of box office take on one hand and internet piracy screwing them out of paying customers on the other. The question I always ask myself is WHY ARE YOU BOTHERING?!! The fact that most people would prefer to enjoy movies in the privacy of their own homes coupled with the fact that most people’s movie watching etiquette has become APPALLING means that internet pirates aren’t the only reason ticket sales aren’t what they used to be. Maybe instead of crying over the fact that they can’t sell overpriced popcorn and sugar water to people anymore the theatres could be thinking about how to repurpose themselves to become relevant again.

As with sports stadiums and arenas the big money sink is having massive amounts of space sitting empty most of the time while it still sucks up heat, water, power and tax money. They could be selling off their prime consumer real estate for good money and start investing in bringing first run movies to the internet or integrating it into the next generation of game console.

I will miss the thrill of going out to an actual movie as much as the next person but if that means I can get the movies I want in my home without trying to dig someone up to go with me so I don’t look like a huge dork than I am all for it. Nothing says “please silently judge me” like showing up at a semi-social event and sitting by yourself in awkward silence. Plus I don’t have to find a nephew or niece to drag to a Pixar movie anymore, nor will I have to put up with someone else’s kids shitty behaviour while I am there. Win-win for everyone really.

Feel free to add your comments below. Either tell me what you think will disappear from society or disagree and just call me a liar right to my face, whatever makes you happy.  

Rancid Monke

Disloyalty Cards

Posted: November 26, 2011 in Uncategorized

When the hell did they start making shopping so difficult? I walked into a bookstore today, picked up the new Terry Pratchett hardcover and headed to the cashier. Turns out my ex-employers have added a new layer of aggravation to  the simple concept of commerce. They now have 2 separate loyalty cards. One you can buy for a steep price which gives you 10% or so off books, the other is free and gets you…a series of vague promises of savings and/or rewards. I don’t know about you but I already have a wallet full of these friggin’ cards. In fact I have a wallet full of the useful ones and a kitchen drawer full of the useless ones. I tried to explain to the “Customer Experience Representative” that I wasn’t going to bother keeping the card in my wallet, I already had enough of them in there.

“But sir, you don’t have to keep the card. We can just give you a sticker and you can add it to a card you already have in your wallet.”

– Ummm…no, I really don’t want to add your sticker to my bank card just to collect points for a new bookmark.

“Well, we can just pull you up in our database. You don’t need the card at all.”

Then why the fuck do you have cards at all? Why were you so desperate to cram one in my hot, sweaty hands a couple of seconds ago? Anyway I suppose I should tell you I was lying earlier, I already have one of your cards in a drawer at home. If it means I will get out of this fucking mall any time in the near future then please feel free to look it up.

“Can’t seem to find it listed here.”

– Suddenly I am less confident in your database.

“Well, we will just add a new account with all your details so that they can look it up next time”

– Suddenly I foresee a future when I get a new one of these fucking cards every time I buy a book.

So why did I bother signing up? Because I knew they would waste time trying to pitch one to me EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME I WENT IN. That is the reason most of us break down and get one, so we don’t have to listen to some over eager store manager explain the virtues of signing up every time we stop in to buy something. Handing over my personal data is literally the price I have to pay to make buying items from that store quick and convenient again. If I know I am going to interact with the company again then odds are good I will break down and sign up for the card at some point, it is just a matter of the right cashier pestering me at the right time.

I remember back when the started with these damn cards, it sounded like a great idea. You fork over some personal information for a reduced cost on items. Mostly it was for grocery stores and they were kind enough to make it worth your while. Now every store, boutique, and barely legal massage parlor has a card like this*. After people ran out of room in their wallets and started leaving the damn cards behind some genius thought up those key fobs. Now a person would need an entire keyring just for those alone.

But what are they doing with all this personal info anyway? The idea was to use it to better market to individuals and track market trends. It isn’t working though. The e-mails I get from the bookstore are just the picks from the CEO of the company and her only philosophy for book choices seems to be “What Would Oprah Read?” I also get weekly e-mails from a grocery store about their deals. Like I am supposed to clear my schedule for the day because they are having a sale on tampons and baby food (just what every bachelor needs kicking around in his pantry). Plus the marketing data collected would probably be more overwhelming than useful. Unless some fairly obvious trends cropped up the purchasers would probably still decided what items to carry in their stores the old fashioned way, whichever company offered the best steak dinners and lap dances.

Maybe it is just me getting nostalgic for a time when serving customers was the point of customer service, when did pestering the shit out of your clients become a good sales strategy?

Rancid J. Monke
* – Kentucky Fried Chicken has a fucking loyalty card! What possible use does the Colonel have for tracking my fried chicken consumption? Is he using it to figure out when to send flowers to my next of kin? When the card stops getting used on a weekly basis does he send a team out to harvest my organs for experimentation or something?