Rancid Monke

Rancid Monke’s Not-So-Live Blog of Shitty Movies – Tonight’s Episode, GREEN LANTERN

(This is me mercilessly mocking a bad movie as I watch it. If you have ever seen MST3K or a Rifftracks then you get the idea. The only obvious difference is this is in print form instead of over audio because I am too cheap to buy a microphone. Obviously a recent viewing of the movie will help, let me know if you think timecodes would improve this or you have a better idea.)

• “A fuckload of time ago an ancient alien race found a way to harness the emerald energy of Taco Bell farts.”
• “In order to be chosen by the ring, one needed to have box office bankability and be a little bit of the eye candy for the ladies”.
•  “These poorly CGI’d spunk puppets would make up The Green Lantern Corp.” Which you probably won’t understand or give a shit about until half way through the movie.
• If you crash landed in the Lost Sector…it really isn’t all that lost anymore. You have crash landed in the Found Sector. Stick a flag in something.
• “Please send help to the Lost Sector immediately, I would send coordinates but I am sure you can find it. Second left past the IHOP.”
• They made a big deal about how the most powerful evil in the known universe was imprisoned by the Green Lanterns but not only can he still use his powers but all it takes to escape is consuming the fear of three aliens (which he does with NO TROUBLE). Andy Dufresne had a harder time getting out of Shawshank.
• He wasn’t so much imprisoned as mildly inconvenienced.
• Six Months Later…in a Sector that isn’t lost.
• “Your rescue mission is canceled because everyone on the planet is dead. I sent you a voicemail an hour ago.”
•  You communicate through the power of your magical, willpower spewing rings. Why the fuck is there TV static?
• This is the guy you imprisoned the last time and he SPANKED YOUR ASS in a 2 minute fight scene. Did he have a cold or something before?
• Why the fuck are all the windows in the escape pod pointed backwards? Wouldn’t it be better to see where you are going? I mean, if you are on the escape pod, you have clearly crashed at least one ship today.
• Ryan Reynolds wakes up: “Oh Shit! Wasn’t I supposed to be filming a movie today?”
• Wrapping a brick in newspaper while driving at high speeds…like a boss!
• “This AI controlled fighter jet has all the flying and combat capabilities of a human pilot, but it is as aerodynamic as a brick.”
• Jesus…Andy Dufresne actually showed up. He is a senator now. Good for him.
• Locker room scene, I think this scene is supposed to be rife with sexual tension and years of emotional baggage…but it fails miserably because we haven’t known either of these characters for more than 5 minutes.
• “I am going to fly straight up until my plane shits itself and plummets to earth taking me on a rocket ride to an early grave…that will really show those completely computerized jets who the fucking boss is.”
• I mean, isn’t the point of AI driven jets to prevent the death of pilots? Why would a suicidal test flight be a win?
• Also, why the fuck didn’t the AI’s just stop and wait for his dumb ass to come back down? They could certainly be programmed to not chase stupid fucks into the upper atmosphere until their engines stalled.
• QUICK, WE NEED BACKSTORY!!! Starting flashback in 3…2…1.
• “Keep my aviator jacket warm for me, son…maybe fart in it a few times.”
• So let me get this straight. Hal’s father was also a test pilot. Father dies in fiery crash while kid watches. Kid becomes a stew of psychological problems but becomes a daredevil test pilot for the exact same company despite freezing up and having flashbacks in stressful situations…HOW THE FUCK IS THIS GUY ALLOWED TO FLY ANYTHING MORE IMPRESSIVE THAN SOMETHING OPERATED BY FEEDING IT QUARTERS OUTSIDE A GROCERY STORE.
• “My dad died in a fiery plane crash while I watched…after many years of counselling I was able to put it behind me and become a florist.” – that is how that story goes!
• “I cost the company three of their multi-million dollar planes and a big, fat government contract so I could Chuck Norris my way through a simple training exercise. The company will now go under but it was totally worth almost dying. Everyone knows what kind of unemployed badass I am now. Those high school girls at the mini donut place in the mall are going to LOSE THIER SHIT.”
• I think if you are a test pilot and you crash three planes, almost die and have to eject in the middle of a SIMULATED BATTLE, that doesn’t so much make you a badass AS JUST INCOMPETENT. I mean, I see what you are trying to do movie, it just isn’t working.
• Alien crash lands on the coast of a major city at sunset and NO ONE IS AROUND? No one noticed it as it clearly streaked across the sky while the sun was still up and stopped by the beach to check it out?
• “Despite the pain I must move my hand in to a more photogenic position before I tell the ring to start the selection process.”
• So if the brick he was wrapping earlier is for this birthday party then why was he in a rush to wrap it in the car ON THE WAY TO WORK? He wasn’t late for the party yet, he could have wrapped it at ANY FUCKING TIME AFTER THE DOGFIGHT.
• Are you…going to introduce us to his family, movie? I assume he didn’t wander in to a stranger’s birthday party and just start drinking milk out of the carton but I wouldn’t put it past him.
• “Where is Jason?” I think the bigger questions is, WHO THE FUCK IS JASON?
• Was there ANY POINT TO THAT WHOLE FUCKING BIRTHDAY PARTY SCENE?!! Hal spewed some one liners about not being afraid. Whoopity shit.
• If this movie wanted to establish Hal Jordan as a badass they could have just as easily shown him cooking bacon with his shirt off.
• Apparently even the movie is sick of waiting for the plot to kick in and decided to abduct the main character.
• “The ring…chose…you. The reasons this guy shouldn’t be a test pilot are the same ones for why he shouldn’t be an intergalactic magical peace keeper.
• Place the magical ring in the magical lantern-shaped battery, which you can find in the magical K-mart in their magical electronics section.
• Why did he have the huge lantern-shaped recharge station in the escape pod. He didn’t bring it with him so it must have already been there. How bad is this guy’s driving that he keeps his valuables in the escape pod?
• “You are the only one I can trust…discount version of Moss from IT Crowd.”
• A bunch of those creepy kids from Akira are sitting on really tall, green thrones listening to Mark Strong talk out the script details in his head.
• How does Sinestro not know who the ultimate evil is? The ultimate evil that his BEST FRIEND imprisoned at some point during his adult life? Also, WHY THE FUCK DOES ANYONE TRUST A GUY NAMED SINESTRO?!
• “This is our new intergalactic peace keeper, EvilFucker. Don’t let the villain moustache fool you, he is a sweetie.”
• You know what this movie needed? An utterly pointless scene of a guy playing computer chess and eating sauerkraut sandwiches. I think we have decided to forego character development in favour of just adding fuckloads of 1 dimensional characters.
• Did you just add salt to your sauerkraut sandwich? Is this a stereotype for nerds that a screenwriter thought existed
• Nope, it was fucking Tabasco…cause that makes more sense.
• You know what, I have a heel of bread and a thing of kraut in my fridge. I am trying this shit. Report back in a couple of minutes.
• Tastes EXACTLY like someone forgot to put a hot dog in it.
• “Hecter Hammond, we need to ask you to come with us” – “Did Adam put you up to this?” No one currently introduced in this film is called Adam. Will we meet Adam, will we ever know his name is Adam or how he relates to any of the characters?
• Apparently the director was getting some sort of bulk rate on soap opera quality actors.
• “Why was I brought here to autopsy this alien?” – “As a xenobiologist you are specifically suited to the task.” – “Yes, I probably should have figured that out myself.”
• Hector Hammond looks like Yanni and probably shouldn’t trusted to make his own meals let alone autopsy an alien.
• The scientific method of alien autopsying appears to be to stick your fingers in the wound and wiggle that shit around.
• Why did Hal’s eyes need to turn green? WHY?!!!
• Why does he have two bikes and a ladder in his apartment? Why does each bike need it’s own backlighting?
• “I know you bankrupted my father’s company and shattered my families dreams for the future but I thought I would put on a slinky black dress and stop by.”
• You found this guy an hour ago eating sauerkraut sandwiches and now you are trusting him with top level government secrets…you deserve any and all shit that is coming your way.
• How the hell has she not noticed or commented on the GIANT, GAUDY EMERALD RING ON HIS FINGER? HE KEEPS DANCING LIKE A MORON JUST TO KEEP IT IN FRAME.
• You space punched a guy through a brick wall…how is that NOT going to end in a murder trail?
• Apparently the movie is sick of his shit again. He has been abducted and taken to the actual plot.
• Ryan Reynolds writhing around in nothing but a pair of white boxer briefs. A little thanks for sticking with us so far, ladies.
• My ring decided I needed a mask, to protect my secret identity from these bug eyed aliens who don’t give a shit.

Time code is 41:10.

• Hal spies himself in a mirror and tries out his sweet Napoleon Dynamite fight moves…
• Now he is swaggering over to his reflection…I think Ryan Reynolds just forgot he was in a movie again.
• “Green Lantern in the streets, Ryan Reynolds ‘tween the sheets”.
• First contact with an alien species, could only have gone worse if he caught Hal masturbating to his own reflection. 5 minutes later and he probably would have.
• Is this alien supposed to look like a bird or a fish…or an elderly man’s scrotum?
• “Your mask will appear to make your costume look cheap and fake…and also to protect your identity from the type of people incapable of basic facial recognition.”
• BAM – Alien fish dude tells him he doesn’t need the mask and it disappears. CALLED IT!
• “We’re going to fly now” Fish-dude, I don’t think that is a good idea. Last time Hal flew he crashed 3 planes. Maybe he could be the Lantern that walks towards danger.
• He didn’t even have a plane and he almost crashed.
• “I can show you the world, Shining, shimmering, splendid, Tell me, princess, now when did, You last let your heart decide?” – Hal is in a whole new world.
• “The will power of every creature in the universe charges the battery at the centre of our planet which charges the lantern you have in your apartment that in turn charges your ring. Our irrigation systems are even more convoluted and our sewers actually run backwards.”
• Did anyone else notice this planet is kind of a rocky shithole? I haven’t seen any vegetation yet. All the universe to chose from and they built the home of the Green Lanterns on a barren rock with shitty lighting and no easily identifiable food sources.
• Sinestro addresses the Lanterns: “Four of our brothers were killed by a being called Parallax that we don’t fully understand…despite the fact that one of our members was actually involved with capturing and imprisoning him the first time. Apparently he didn’t feel it was important enough to mention to anyone.
• Training Montage!!!!
• Hal has been a Green Lantern for about 10 minutes and his drill instructor has tried to straight-up murder him three times. Hal should be feeling right at home.
• Now he is having a magical sword fight with Sinestro…When exactly did Hal Jordan in his previous life as a test pilot become a master swordsman? Is that required in flight school in case you have to defend a woman’s honour in the most archaic way possible?
• Hal, the swords aren’t real, you can make another one for yourself too.
• Sinestro beats him like a rented mule for a while which only really proves that Sinestro is a dick for picking a fight with a raw recruit. I would root for Hal but he has spent most of the movie being various degrees of a dick. I think I might start rooting for the bad guy at this point.
• Little baby Lantern wanna go home to cry? Actually, after being nearly killed by the lovechild of BeBop and Rocksteady and taking a beat down by Sinestro before he basically shits all over him for gaining a ring from Sinestro’s dead friend and mentor FIFTEEN MINUTES after he becomes the first human to have contact with alien life and starts training to become a galactic peace keeper…yeah, I would peace out too.
• Hal goes home to his apartment to climb his ladder to nowhere.
• Hector Hammond is now rethinking his choice of dinner as the sauerkraut sandwiches make a reappearance as he teaches…something to a group of students.
• SAUERKRAUT GIVES YOU TELEKINESIS?!! ALL IT GIVE ME IS GAS!
• Hector is either taking a blood sample or shooting up some heroin. Either is a perfectly reasonable response to teaching at a high school.
• What the…so we are an hour in and we JUST established that Hector is the son of Senator Andy Dufresne. You would think as the son of a Senator he could afford hot dogs for his kraut and tabasco.
• “They chose me for this super secret alien autopsy because I am a xenobiologist with a senator for a father…it all makes sense now,” For fuck sake, Has Hector not paid any attention to his life in the past twenty years? Did he think those two government agents were just going door to door looking for someone keen to do an alien autopsy?
• He is the son of a senator but the concept of nepotism seems to escape him completely.
• Hal, If I wanted to see someone mope around their apartment I would install mirrors at my place.
• Sinestro leads a squad of the Lanterns finest to get absolutely dick-stomped by Parallax. Meanwhile we have the riveting story of a man with telekinesis being a massive disappointment to his senator father and an unemployed test pilot being kind of depressed in his apartment. The tone of this movie is ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE.
• So the 4 foot tall powder blue people who created and maintain the Green Lantern Corps AND the planet Oa have known all about what this evil is for the last 58 minutes and 38 seconds and FINALLY decide to tell the guy actually in charge of stopping it?
• WHAT THE FUCK?!!! So they plan on fighting the monster made up of fear energy by making a shitty yellow lantern ring of fear energy…because a giant monster that can consume worlds has a lot to be afraid of (like cholesterol maybe?).
• One hour into the damn movie and Hector and Hal finally end up in the same room only for us to find out THEY HAVE KNOWN EACH OTHER ALL ALONG!
• We just sort of randomly ended up at a cocktail party…
• Oh, they managed to win the contract for the robot jet fighters. We are well on our way to Skynet taking over. That obviously deserves apple martinis and crab puffs.
• Hector uses his mind powers to throw a beer tap into the back rotor of his father’s helicopter…because just destroying the rotor seems like too much effort? Also, probably not a good idea to be standing 20 feet from a helicopter you are going to make crash.
• Helicopter with spinning blades full-on crashes into a party and doesn’t cause an instant blood bath of headless people? I call bullshit.
• “I shall use my magic ring powers to turn this crashing helicopter into a hot wheels car on one of their loop de loop tracks, because just stopping it would be too straight forward.”
•  “…and Hector’s cranium grew 2 sizes that day.”
• Discount Moss stopped by…I actually don’t know if they guy was ever called by name at any point. Apparently the Mateel Crash ‘Em Playset confused him too.
• “I want to see you in your tight green bodysuit.” Well you are the only one.

Time code: 1 Hr and 10 minutes.

• Whoa, whoa…1 Hr and 10 minutes in and Hal finally realizes he can use his new found superhero persona to get chicks, and only then because Discount Moss tells him? Bullshit.
• Carol points out the UTTER FUTILITY of Hal’s itty bitty mask. Probably not the first conversation she has had with him like that.
• Why was Carol doing paperwork in her office in a black cocktail dress?No seriously…WHY??!!!
• Slinky Black Dresses at Inappropriate Times – The Carol Ferris Story.
• Carol and Hal have a heart to heart about how much of a colossal fuck up he is, ROMANCE IS A BREWIN’.
• WHO IS IN THE OMINOUS CAR WATCHING HAL…oh, just Bobble-head Hector. I guess I should have seen that coming.
• “Physical contact allows me to see your memories.” Yes Hector, but your head looks like an elephant scrotum so I doubt people will be lining up to let you touch them.
• Senator Dufresne has his son sedated because if there is anything this movie needed it is more time spent NOT RESOLVING SHIT.
• Hal is in a wheat field having a life crisis over becoming a superhero. I GIVE UP MOVIE, YOU WIN!!! Perhaps he can spend an hour at this therapist and you can film the whole damn thing!
• Bobble-head Hector wakes up strapped to a gurney. One of his kidneys is probably already on the black market.
• Would you take telekinetic powers if it meant you ended up looking like Weird Al Yankovic in his fat suit? Good trade or no?
• “I shall turn around dramatically to completely expose my back to the villain in case he wants to mind throw shit at me.” Okay, maybe Sinestro was right about Hal being a waste of a ring.
• Hector just collapsed of his own accord. Hal Jordan couldn’t even mount an offence on an asthmatic dude with a extra large cranial target to aim for.
• Hal and Hector are writhing on the floor while some plot is resolved, thus proving how unimportant to the process they really are.
• “Hector disappeared into that smoky patch over there, I am sure that is the last we will see of him.” Sinestro was right, you suck Hal.
• OH THANK GOD, ANOTHER EXCITING SCENE OF CRIPPLING SELF-DOUBT.
• We have spent more time in this movie reassuring Hal that he can be a Green Lantern than he spent being a Green Lantern. This movie should be called “Hal Jordan Finally Sacks Up”.
• Bake your Fear Ring at 350° for 2 hours or until golden and crispy.
• I don’t think Hal Jordan is the person I want defending humanity and our right to exist to a jury of our powder blue peers.
• He flies all the way back to Oa and all he manages to do is get them to agree to allow him to fight Parallax to the death alone. Couldn’t he have just done that and saved himself the trip? Did he even really need to ask permission at this point, couldn’t he have just flipped them the double bird and gone home?
• Hector is now a wheezy mess in a wheelchair. Apparently the scriptwriter thought this was just the challenge that Green Lantern could sink his teeth into.
• Hector doesn’t even die by Green Lantern’s hand. I think this movie had a huge plot hole in it originally and Hector was just used to fill it in like spackle. He seemed as surprised about the details of his own life as we were.
• Parallax seems entirely made up of black smoke and cheap lighting effects so why did cramming a missile up its ass drive it off?
• After spending all movie in a state of crippling self-doubt, Hal has suddenly become massively cocky about the fact that the ring chose him. MAYBE WE WILL FINALLY GET A GOOD MOVIE OUT OF THI…oh, only 10 minutes left. At least it is almost over.
• Why is it in every global crisis in modern cinema, the first thing everyone does is hop out of their cars and start milling about on the streets? Then when it all goes sideways everyone starts RUNNING AWAY instead of hopping back in the cars and DRIVING AWAY MUCH FASTER.
• Green Lantern gives Parallax a colonoscopy, because he is all about colorectal health.
• So is Parallax a smoke monster thing or what? According to the movie he has more mass and is therefore pulled into the sun faster?
• Hal Jordan just gave Parallax the fisting of a life time. I think this movie has finally gotten to me.
• “Can I train them, or can I train them?” You spent 5 minutes beating his ass down, How does that qualify as training?
• “So what happens now?” Well, hopefully this movie ends and we can all move on with our lives.
• CREDITS…I MADE IT. HAHAHAHA! I thought I might never see the sun again, or hear the laughter of a child, or brush a rose against my cheek.
• End credits scene where Sinestro puts the Fear Ring on for no valid reason. Well, at least we have a nice set-up for the sequel…What do you mean the screenwriter was burned at the stake?

Rancid Monke