Rancid Monke

I have carb-loaded to an unhealthy amount this morning and I am waiting for my body to reject the generous gift of high octane fried food I gave it.  I fully planned on making a batch of cookies right now but the thought of it is making my stomach twitch in distress.  So as I sit here digesting, I figured it was the perfect time to describe the perfect food court meal.  Perhaps my sub-conscious knows I have been bad and is assigning this as penance.

Sadly you can’t get everything in one spot and forget about combo pricing.  Still, as a man who has eaten his way from unhealthy to a walking testament to the evils of trans-fats, I feel I am the perfect authority to guide you on this trip.  If my body can be likened to a temple (and I am sure it can) it would probably be broken down, overgrown, musty smelling and dedicated to the God of cooking with animal fat and drinks you can make out of powdered crystals.

The Perfect Food Court Meal

The Burger: Dairy Queen Bacon Cheese Grill Burger – There are very few burgers available out of a kiosk in the mall that taste anything like what I can accomplish at home with a pack of ground beef and a propane BBQ.  DQ is about the closest to actually tasting like a cow may have been involved at some point.  It fills the hole in your stomach with something burger shaped and hints at complex concepts like bacon and cheese being present (perhaps only metaphysically), which is about all you can ask for without eating in a place with table cloths.  This may not sound like a ringing endorsement but consider the alternatives.  The fries don’t excite me but fries never really do.  Thus we move on to.

The Side Dish: Arby’s Loaded Potato Bites – So some genius in the Arby’s test kitchen decided to add cheese and bacon bits to the stuff inside tater tots (which I often hope is potatoes).  Then they are breaded in…something and deep fried.  They come in 5 packs but get real, your headed for a full 10 pack box.  They serve this culinary perfection with ranch dip and a hint of guilt.  You know it can’t be good for you but you just can’t work up the energy to care.  Dry your salty and starch filled tears and let’s replenish our fluids.

The Drink: Fresca – It’s carbonated grapefruit pop.  Stop pretending like your above such things.  I am not saying cola is bad, I am just saying this is better.  I currently have a 2 litre of this stuff sitting behind me and it is taking all my strength not to crack it open and enjoy the bubbly grapefruit goodness.  Plus many places have it as a fountain drink now.  They had it on tap at the freakin’ Costco lunch counter.  Next, what meal would be complete without a little hardcore sugar fix?

The Dessert: DQ Blizzard – By this point your feeling bloated and even your elastic-waist sweat pants are feeling a little tight, so why even bother with dessert? Mostly because your not good at pattern recognition but also because ice cream sort of feels soothing after a heavy meal…unless you have lactose issues like I do.  Not matter how you justify it, soft serve ice cream and the crushed candy bar of your choice is probably not going to be the part of the meal you regret, at least until you finish eating it and are forced to explore a food court bathroom.

Rancid Monke