My Tragic First World Problems

Posted: November 22, 2011 in gym, my tubby self, weight loss

I imagine there are people all over the world who are satisfied to wake up in the morning. There are places where such mundane things as clean drinking water and not getting killed by vicious animals, religious fanatics or drug enforcers overnight is cause for celebration.

Your droughts, mudslides, famine, earthquakes, low wages, no wages and lack of medical care make it hard for me to bitch about my petty little problems. I go on Facebook to complain about my day in a cryptic status update, hoping someone will sympathize with me. Instead I get the standard “things could be worse” comments. Despite the fact I am not making shoes for $1 a day, I have my own hassles that are very real to me.

Every day I face off against some of the most mediocre threats to happiness and well being any person can face and I sure as hell will not be silent about it. My suffering will not go unrecorded.

Download Envy – My internet connection isn’t great. That isn’t to say it is bad, it is just not as fast as it could be. No matter how much porn I can download in a night or how many noob corpses I teabag in a match I will always know that I am not at my full potential. As my digital balls rest lovingly against the lips of my victim I will never see the shot that ends my killstreak.

Cheap Seat Numbness – When the hell was it decided that movies could top the 2 hour mark?! The most I can sit in a poorly cushioned seat with a group of people with questionable hygiene is 1 and 45 minutes. After that I am itching to hit the door and get some fresh air. Remember when the last Lord of the Rings movie hit theatres with it’s 5 separate “Fade to black…head fake them into thinking your about to roll credits” moments. I was already squirming in my seat before the first one hit. By the time they hit the docks for the emotional hugging I was experience intense pain in the places that weren’t completely numb. Some people might ask why I didn’t just get up for a bit and walk around…These would be the same people who buy the large cola and have to take 5 trips to the bathroom or don’t bother to turn off their cell phones. Here is the only etiquette you need in a movie theatre. Sit down, shut up, don’t move till the credits no matter what you are doing to your long term health.

Food Court Blues – When I used to go to the food court my only issue was choosing which of the greased up treats I wanted to indulge in. Now I have to weight all my options –
Which ones can I eat without getting the taco shits for 2 days after?
If I eat what I really want will I be able to make it home or should I pick out the cleanest restroom stall now?
Which of the healthy alternatives is actually healthy and which ones would be the equivalent of a bucket of fried chicken while still lacking any flavour?
Are they seriously expecting me to shell out $10 for a forced colon evacuation?

Personal Trainer Insanity – When I first started at the gym I shelled out for the basic personal training sessions. To put this in perspective, I spent so much of my day being a lazy, shiftless bastard that I needed to pay someone good money to watch me go through a series of exercises designed to simulate what my grandfather would probably describe as “a light day of work”. After about 6 months I was so very proud of myself for managing to drop a pant size. After switching to my new job I accomplished the same thing in 2 months without setting foot inside a gym (despite the fact I still pay them dues). The mere thought of working out after I get home is ridiculous, I barely have time to eat, shower and sleep before I have to be up and at work again.

Dating Profile Adversity – Have you ever tried to write a dating profile? It is like an amateur trying to cut his/her own hair. Despite the fact that more and more people are meeting online there is little to no quality info on how to write a profile. It is like trying to write an essay on the most awkward subject you can think of without any prior research. Trying to think of an awkward subject, hold on. Ah, got it, It is like trying to write an essay about geriatric sex by avoiding retirement homes (and the entire state of Florida). The idea is to stare into your soul, peer in to the inky blackness of your hate, regrets and shame and then write a lighthearted 3 paragraphs about how much you like quadding and dressing up in your high heels. One might think that was a gender specific example but it probably wasn’t, dating sites are kind of messed up like that. Point being, No sane individual usually has the type of self awareness necessary to write an honest profile and asking your friends is sort of like asking “Who farted?” in a packed elevator. No one is going to tell the truth and it will leave stains…umm on your heart, somehow. Listen, these analogies are hard to make up on the spot. I am taking time out of my busy masturbation schedule to write this, would it kill you to be nice?

Fuck it then, I am going to bed.

Rancid J. Monke
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Twitter – @rancidmonke

  1. Metazoandonkey7 says:

    Truer words never spoken. I like the idea of a personal trainer. The idea…..not the reality, cause the whole time you’re there they pump you up but are constantly judging. They want your money, it’s a job. That’s it.

    The mutants on POF and other sites are not real people. Let’s do our best to sell myself with “stretched truths” and make myself way better than I really am. I love my job (it’s a brand new job), I love experiencing life (I have a drinking problem and spend way too much money going out), and best of all “I don’t have time for games( because I want to change you and make you my ideal person).

    Nice to see blogs from someone who actually knows what they’re talking about.

    Whack away Monke. Whack away.


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